Do you like peace? Of course! Most people do. And what do you do to attain peace? Let me guess: You avoid conflict. You don’t like to argue. You just let others have their way. You say things to yourself like “That’s fine - it’s not a big deal.”

But let’s be honest - that isn’t producing peace, is it? Not only do those approaches not prevent your spouse from giving you verbal lashings or from creating conflict and and chaos in your home, those approaches don’t even allow you to feel peace within you.

In fact, they create a false sense of peace where you pretend that you’re fine with the way things are, that you don’t let things bother you, and that eventually your spouse will understand his or need to change. But inside you are anxious and confused and you hate the tension in your home as you walk on eggshells in an attempt to “keep the peace.” [Get my free eBook to learn what’s really the problem in your relationship]

Keep The Peace

“Keep the peace.” That’s what we think we are called to do. But that’s not who the Bible says will be blessed. Matthew 5:9 says “Blessed are the peacemakers” - the peaceMAKERS, not the peaceKEEPERS. Have you ever considered that there is a difference?

Let’s consider a relatable illustration: world peace. Many believe that world peace is achieved by everyone holding hands and singing “We are the world.” They want to avoid conflict/war and they mistakenly believe that if enough people are nice, then those nice people serve as a good example and everyone else will be nice, too. They live by the mantra “be the change you want to see.”

But the world doesn’t work like that. Not everyone has the capacity to be nice. And when you’re nice to people who aren’t nice, you’re likely to get hurt. Being nice to terrorists, for example: They can do whatever they want to people who are trying to be nice to them and compromise with them. Peace isn’t achieve by being nice to terrorists. There are people who want nothing but power and control, and they don’t live by the idea “be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you.” Instead, they take advantage of those who are nice to them and use them for their benefit, leaving others feeling used, confused, and betrayed. (Sounds like narcissism on a national level, doesn’t it? Because it is.)

What Actually Promotes Peace

When you look at what actually promotes peace among countries, you’ll see that peace is achieved by setting expectations for behavior and then enforcing those expectations with consequences if they aren’t adhered to. Countries don’t become peaceful allies when one of them is nice to the other. They become allies when they have mutual agreements with each other about how the other will behave and they both do their part to abide by those agreements.

How to Make Peace in Your Life

Let’s apply this to our own lives using the gospel of peace as our model.

The foundation of the gospel is that God set up expectations for us, defining what is OK with him and what isn’t in order to be at peace with him. That’s known as the Ten Commandments. (Psalm 119:165 “Great peace have those who love your law”)

If we don’t like those expectations, it creates conflict. We don’t hold up to our end of the bargain and we “kick against the goads” (Acts 26: 14) But God doesn’t back down to avoid that conflict. He doesn’t “keep the peace.” God is a peaceMAKER. He holds fast to his commands knowing that it is only in respecting those standards (his boundaries) that we can achieve peace with him.

Violations of his commands keep us from having peace with God, and they result in negative consequences for us. Those consequences are painful but they make us aware of our need to change. So we become repentant, and we change our ways and ask for forgiveness. That brings us back into a right relationship with God - and that brings us peace.

That is what we can model our lives after. We can set expectations for how we are treated, and we can accept that those expectations may create conflict if the other person doesn’t like them. But that doesn’t mean that we should back down to avoid that conflict and “keep the peace” - that false sense of peace. Rather, it means that we should stand firm and know that it is only when expectations are mutually agreed upon and adhered to will there be peace.

THAT’S what it means to be a peacemaker.

But what if the expectations are not adhered to? You might be tempted to back down to avoid conflict, but as you learned, that doesn’t create real peace. Rather, peace is created by being a peaceMAKER: By making someone aware of your expectations and their wrongdoing and offering forgiveness if they repent.

Here are some tips from the Bible about how to “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone” (Hebrews 12:14).

1. Have discernment

Luke 10:6 says it this way when he speaks of looking for someone to reside with: “If someone who promotes peace is there, your peace will rest on them; if not, it will return to you.” The presence of peace is detected through discernment. You can tell if someone promotes peace or if they don’t. And this verse emphasizes that if a person does not promote peace, then there will be no peace with them, so do not expect to reside with them in peace.

2. Don’t try to force things to happen that aren’t happening

1 Corinthians 7:15 has specific advice for married couples regarding this, stating that “if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. God has called us to live in peace.” How much conflict (instead of peace) are you creating in your attempt to keep your spouse engaged in the relationship? Are you trying to help him or her understand what they need to do differently in order for things to be better? Are you defending your actions so that they aren’t upset with you? Are you holding onto someone who isn’t holding on to you? You are not creating peace: By trying to force things to happen that aren’t happening (respect, understanding, peace, unity), you are trying to get your spouse to stay when they are showing that they have no interest in staying and doing what it takes to maintain the relationship.

3. Warn those who do wrong

1 Thessalonians 5:13,14 says “Live in peace with each other” and then goes on to say “warn those who are idle and disruptive.”

4. Allow discipline to play out by choosing not to smooth over the natural consequences of their actions

Hebrews 12: 11 tells us that “discipline …. produces … peace.” Do not withhold discipline, for in doing so, you withhold the opportunity for there to be peace.

It can be hard to change our faulty thinking that has been so engrained in us our entire lives, but moving from being a peaceKEEPER to being a peaceMAKER will help you see that….

Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…

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Are You A Peacemaker or a Peacekeeper?