Having Expectations May Be The Only Thing That Makes Your Marriage Better

Expectations. Touted as something you shouldn’t have in marriage.

And so I was determined to have none.

NONE.

I didn’t expect him to talk to me without yelling
I didn’t expect him to respect my body
I didn’t expect him to treat the kids well
I didn’t expect him to take responsibility for anything
I didn’t expect him to be faithful to me
I didn’t expect him to love me

Shaking my head.

I’m still not sure what kinds of expectations “they” were referring to when they said not to have any, but I’m guessing maybe it was more along the lines of:

Don’t expect him to make enough money to buy you the house of your dreams
Don’t expect him to love spending time with your parents
Don’t expect him to have his life revolve around you
Don’t expect him to do everything the way your family did when you were growing up
Don’t expect him to fold towels the “right” way

Stuff like that.

Yeah . . . so . . . no one explained that to me. They just said that expectations destroy a marriage. And I didn’t want that!

So, 17 years in and I was tolerating just about everything. And tolerating it with grace and forgiveness. Until I couldn’t.

Not only was my marriage getting destroyed by my lack of expectations, so was I . . . and so was he.

He didn’t know that his anger was alienating his children from him.
He didn’t know that his rules and disproportionate punishments were setting them up for rebellion.
He didn’t know that his demands were making it impossible for me to make him happy.
He didn’t know that his bullying was scaring us.
He didn’t know that his lack of concern for what was important to me left me feeling unknown.

He didn’t know any of that . . . until he did. Until I told him that those things were not acceptable to me anymore. And then, he was confused.

Confused because they’d been acceptable for years.
Confused because he thought he was the only authority in the house.
Confused because he thought he was doing just fine with his family.

All because I didn’t have ANY expectations.

Is that where you’re at?

Are you determined to have no expectations so that you can “love your spouse” well?

The idea of not having expectations is not Biblical. The Bible is FILLED with expectations!

God has always expected his people to behave a certain way, and when they didn’t, there were consequences (think being cast from the Garden of Eden and cursed, a worldwide flood, wandering in the desert, being left to their idols without any help from God, exiled . . . the list goes on).

The expectations that God has are not burdensome. In fact, Jesus says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. God’s expectations are for our own good.

Do not commit adultery – good idea: prevent heartache, broken families, STDs
Do not steal – good idea: avoid hurting others, taking things that aren’t yours, legal consequences
Do not have any gods besides God - good idea: avoid being misguided, alienating the only One who saves

You get the point.

Not only does God have expectations for us, but he tells us to have expectations of others:

Do not be sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler (1 Corinthians 5: 11)
Speak only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs (Ephesians 4: 29) [Click here to read about “needs”]
Expect your husband to be considerate and respectful of you because God tells him to (1 Peter 3: 7)
Be faithful to the wife (1 Timothy 3: 2, 12, Malachi 2: 15)
Let your gentleness to be evident to all (Philippians 4: 5)
Be temperate and self-controlled (Titus 2: 2)
there are many expectations for godly character in the Bible - if God expects those things, we can, too

I don’t know how YOU interpreted the message to not have any expectations in marriage, but if you’ve been interpreting it the way I was, you might want to think again.

Here are some things you absolutely can expect from your spouse:

you can expect them to keep their promises to love and cherish you
you can expect them to be faithful to you
you can expect them to be considerate
you can expect that what is important to you will be important to them
you can expect that they will give you freedom to have your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions
you can expect that they will encourage your personal growth
you can expect that they will treat you humanely and with respect
you can expect that they will love you as they love themselves
you can expect that they will not treat the children harshly or exasperate them
you can expect that they will take responsibility for their role in making the marriage good

And what if you expect those things and your spouse doesn’t do them?

Be sure you’ve made your expectations clear
Consider whether it is possible that your spouse hasn’t taken your expectations seriously because you’ve never enforced them with consequences
Learn about healthy boundaries (expectations) and how to enforce them

Because . . .

hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation . . .