Is My Spouse Abusive? (He/She is Really Great, but Sometimes…)

If your spouse isn’t blatantly abusive (physically, for example), you might wonder what else abuse can look like - and whether your spouse has those characteristics. Perhaps you just have the sense that something about them is “off.” Maybe you’ve even had people tell you things that indicate that others see what you dismiss:

your spouse seems out of touch with people’s needs
they’re selfish
they can’t problem-solve to get a different result
they have rigid black-and-white thinking that they force on everyone (and an opinion about everything)
they’re a bit czarist (think “dictator” or controlling)
their public personality seems forced
they like attention
they are constantly negative
they don’t take responsibility
at home they’re just not a nice person

These can be signs of abusive character.

Don’t ignore, dismiss, or minimize these observations! The first step to being able to discern abuse is admitting the truth to yourself rather than dismissing it. If you’ve been dismissing it or minimizing your spouse’s behavior, remember that a grown adult doesn’t need excuses made for them. And it isn’t loving or respectful to pretend along with them that they’re a great person when, in fact, they’re hurting themselves and those around them.

What exactly is abuse?

Nailing down a simple definition for abuse is not clear cut. Abuse is far more subtle than what most people think it is.

While cuts, broken bones, and bruises are visible on the outside, destruction of someone’s identity, mental health, and right to freedom are also sinister (and permanent) ways of hurting someone. Yet, it is often these very tactics that are dismissed by authority, including those in the church.

Abuse is always about power

Abuse is about having control over someone in an attempt to fill a need that the abuser has - a need that stems from fear:

fear of being alone
fear of abandonment
fear of criticism (even if it’s constructive)
fear of rejection
fear of punishment
fear of inadequacy

These are fears that people should take to God for healing, not to others.

Here are some other subtle ways that people gain control over others.

Does Your Spouse Use Any Of These 40+ Control Tactics?

So, what can you do? (Note: Always be wise and prepared when making changes in an abusive relationship. Your spouse isn’t going to like it. Have a plan so that you can safely leave, have the strength and boldness to leave, and have people who are aware and supportive of your decision to change - people that you can depend on to help and protect you.)

Start treating your spouse like an adult
As an adult, your spouse should be responsible for themselves. In order for your spouse to take responsibility, you may have to stop rescuing their reputation, their immaturity, and their irresponsibility.
Don’t reinforce your spouse’s fantasies about who they are
If you are making excuses or lying to your spouse about their character, it only creates a false sense of who they are. This leaves no opportunity for your spouse to become aware of how they need to change.
Tell yourself the truth
Recognize that you’ve been drawn into your spouse’s fantasy - and work to ground yourself in the truth of reality. “Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light” (John 3:21). And “Have nothing to do with the fruitless seeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Eph. 5:11). When you stop living a lie and start calling it like it is, then the problem comes to light and a solution can be found.
Clarify your expectations and boundaries
Allow yourself to have expectations and to start making clear to your spouse what those boundaries are - and that there will be a consequence if your boundaries are not respected.
Follow through with consequences for boundary violations
You can’t just SAY that you’re setting a boundary or that there will be a consequence for breaking a boundary - justing saying that is nothing more than a threat. You have to be prepared to follow through with a consequence so that your spouse takes you seriously AND so that you can protect yourself.
Get support
Know what to expect from truly wise and godly counsel, and stop seeking advice from anyone who isn’t familiar with abuse. For people who have never experienced it, covert abuse seems unfathomable (and therefore easy to dismiss). Even those in authority who seem to have the answers have no idea what you’re going through or the dynamics of the situation or how to truly help. Don’t look to people who don’t take your side. Tell the truth to a number of people until someone believes you.

As Christians it is common to believe that it is our responsibility to ONLY be submissive and quiet and prayerful. You may think that your prayers can have a supernatural effect to help your spouse see your good example and your love and become a godly man or woman. But that is not how God works. He has given us natural laws - laws for relationships - that we need to follow in order to align with God’s will so that when we do the “natural” we can leave the “super” up to God.

And that’s when you’ll find that . . .

Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation . . .