When Trying Harder and Praying Aren't Making Things Better
Have your heard this message in one form or another: “If you’re trying hard to make your marriage better and you’re still being sinned against, keep trying hard . . . and pray”?
A message like this is taken deeply to heart by the spouse in an unhealthy marriage who keeps trying harder and harder, trusting that taking the advice of the message will make you a better person.
It is also taken deeply to heart by the other spouse who wields it as a weapon to control you. When your spouse hears this message, he/she might hear this: “Your spouse needs to be nicer to you, give you more compliments, be more submissive, put you first, and be more honoring and respectful.”
Sure, the messenger might off-handedly mention that marriage should be mutual. But they usually don’t say HOW to make it mutual.
And it will never become mutual by one person trying harder and harder and the other person demanding that their spouse try harder and harder.
To become mutual, the person who keeps trying harder and harder has to start refusing to pull all the weight (stop giving your own 100% AND your spouse’s 100%). And the other spouse has to start pulling their weight and give their full 100%.
Here are the first steps to start making a relationship mutual:
Admit to yourself and others the truth about what is really going on in your marriage. Pretending that your spouse is a good person (as honoring as that feels) won’t allow you to deal realistically with the actual problem. (What if they don’t believe you when you tell them what’s going on?)
Decide what is acceptable to you and what isn’t - God doesn’t want you to be mistreated. (See Matt 7:6, Matt 10:23, Matt 18:15, Acts 18:6). Allowing yourself to be mistreated is not what God means by “sacrifice or submission.” (Have you heard that boundaries aren’t Biblical? Find out what the Bible says.)
Set boundaries and be prepared to back them up with consequences when they get crossed. Your spouse won’t know what you expect in terms of mutuality if they are never made aware of what’s wrong.
To all of the message-deliverers (whether from the pulpit or from the page) who want to help marriages:
Empower the downcast by validating to them that it is OK to have standards and expectations for how they should be treated (otherwise you’re just blaming the victim).
Hold people responsible for sin: sin is not always mutually doled out in relationships - there are situations in which one person is being continually sinned against while trying impossibly hard not to sin themselves. Proverbs 19: 19 says “A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty. Rescue them and you will have to do it again.”
Protect the oppressed: neutrality never helps the oppressed, it always helps the oppressor. Always take sides. Proverbs 17: 15 says “Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent - the Lord detests them both.”
And help to stop the cycle that is passed on to kids who witness the willing submission and subsequent abuse (whether it's verbal or emotional or otherwise) endured by the parent being mistreated.
No one is getting holier or more Christ-like by allowing themselves to be sinned against repeatedly. Wonder what Jesus did when he was mistreated? Find out (it might not be what you think).
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Join the discussion in the comments below: What are some of the messages you hear about how to navigate the trials of marriage?
