Know what this feels like?

You wake up, determined to do better today. Yesterday you were doing so well . . . until you blew it – or at least you’re willing to take responsibility for how it went - and now he’s mad. You hope that you can do all the right things today so his mood improves. Your deepest desire is to honor God by being a good wife.

Pastors, counselors, and marriage books have told you that “if you treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is, but if you treat a man as he could be, he will become what he should be.”

And so, you affirm him and speak well of him and serve him and give him honor. But instead of rising to the level of your praise, he becomes more demanding, moodier, and harder to please.

“Why?” you wonder. What else could you do to please him, to be the wife you should be, to respect him more?

Years go by as you keep trying - and nothing improves.

Here’s the answer to “why?” It’s what pastors, counselors, and books don’t tell you:

You can’t make your marriage better by ignoring reality.

In fact, you hear the opposite:

• “Don’t focus on the wrong things he’s doing” (i.e. don’t focus on reality), “focus on the good things and build him up.”

• “Don’t assume the worst – believe the best.” (i.e. assume that your intuition is wrong and believe something, instead, that isn’t true).

• Turn the other cheek

• Forgive seventy times seven times

• They remind you that Philippians 4:8 says to think about excellent, lovely, pure things (ignoring that it also commands us to think about what is true).

But here’s the truth: As much as you want to believe that he is a good man who loves you, it is not an assumption but, rather, reality that reveals that he is consistently . . .

• unpredictable (feel like you’re walking on eggshells?)

• insensitive (do your preferences even matter to him?)

• demanding (why does it always have to be his way?)

• irresponsible (I’m getting blamed again?)

• disrespectful (he’s just not a nice person)

• unempathetic (does he even care how I feel?)

• expecting things from you that he doesn’t expect from himself (there’s always a double standard)

And you can’t make your marriage better by ignoring those realities, no matter how hard you try.

Need to know what to do?