Can Divorce Honor God?
When someone wants to be sure they are doing the will of God, and they are in a marriage that has become increasingly unworkable, they may begin to contemplate what God says about divorce, and a question that is often considered is: “Can divorce honor God? Could it possibly be His will?” This is a question that those who come to the realization that their marriage is unhealthy have already had to ponder in various forms, replacing the word “divorce” with a myriad of other words: How can…
doing things against my spouse’s will…
setting boundaries…
enacting consequences for boundary violations…
being a grey rock…
saying “no” to my spouse…
sleeping on the couch or in the spare bedroom…
defending the kids in opposition to my spouse…
not covering up my spouse’s behavior anymore…
revealing our family problems to others…
saying “negative” things about my spouse…
calling the police for protection from my spouse…
getting an order of protection…
withholding forgiveness…
separating from my spouse…
How can any of that honor God? Yet these are all things that may have to be done in order to protect yourself and produce an opportunity for your spouse to become aware that things have to change. And they are all things that would, for the most part, remain undisputed by many Christians, as they would justify that sometimes those things would have to be done.
Yet, when it comes to divorce, that’s where many Christian advisors draw the line. They fail to recognize that moral obligations (which they would consider “do not divorce” to be) apply to everyone equally except when there is a conflict between moral obligations. For example, the moral obligation to tell the truth (“you shall not bear false witness”) can be violated to save a life (e.g. the Hebrew midwives lying to save babies who they were commanded to kill, Rahab lying to save the spies, etc). It is morally better to save a life than to be honest.
When Divorce Is Needed To Save Your Life
Applying this to the perceived obligation to not divorce, sometimes divorce is needed in order to save a life. When you are in a marriage where you are walking on eggshells, afraid of being criticized or blamed, are enslaved to your spouse’s demands, emotionally beaten every day, and dying from the inside out, it is better to save your life than to stay in a marriage that’s killing you. We see Paul talking about pursuing freedom to live without bondage in 1 Corinthians 7:21: “Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so.” And in Galatians it says “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
So in considering the answer to the question “can divorce honor God?” we should consider, conversely: How can being enslaved honor God? In short, it doesn’t. In 1 Timothy 1: 20 and 1 Corinthians 5: 5,12 when people are not acting rightly, Paul says to turn them over to Satan to be taught not to blaspheme, for their flesh to be destroyed, and for them to be judged so that they might be saved. Permitting the pursuit of a legal divorce can be God’s way of helping you let go of control over your spouse and releasing any hope that you can influence your spouse. God may do this in order to put your spouse completely into His hands in the hopes that your spouse (and the marriage) might be saved. Yet we still hear Christians saying that these passages apply to other situations but not to marriage, because if you’re married, you should be trying harder to make it work, not applying the principles of God.
Moral Principles
Other things to consider in answer to the question of whether divorce can honor God:
Does God value the institution of marriage over the safety and health of the individuals in the marriage?
Did Jesus go to the cross to save your marriage or to save your life?
Would God tell you that none of the promises that were made at the altar (except the promise of sexual faithfulness) can be enforced but, rather, that they can be violated and disregarded in a myriad of ways (failing to love, cherish, honor, protect, etc.) while your spouse has immunity from any sanctions for any other offenses and can continue to enjoy all the privileges of marriage while you are made to feel guilty for “wanting” divorce and left despairing for your life – even your life in Christ – while he hears from “Christians” that you are bound to him whether he keeps his vows or not?
What is the legal act of divorce in your situation? Is it possible that it is not you ending the marriage but simply your declaration that what God had joined has already been destroyed by your spouse?
People say that God hates divorce – but does He not also hate idolatry, bearing false witness, greed, slander, malice, rage, unfaithfulness, etc – all of which may describe your marriage? [Get my list of 40+ tactics that emotionally unhealthy people use]
Is divorce, in God’s eyes, a legal action or is it a forsaking or dismissing of vows?
Is it your sin or your spouse’s that has brought the marriage to divorce? Isn’t it really only the wronged party that can rightfully petition for a legal divorce and declare that the marriage contract has been rendered null and void? When you file for divorce, you aren’t the one divorcing your spouse, you are declaring that the marriage has been severed by your spouse. This is in sharp contrast to what people are often advised: “let your spouse be the one to file so that you are not the one initiating the divorce.” But in cases of abuse, it is often that an abuser will never file for divorce because it would be a letting go of control (which they, of course, refuse to do), so not only is it senseless to tell someone not to file for divorce but to wait for the other person (the perpetrator of the abuse) to file, but it is also the opposite of what should rightfully happen when you consider that it only makes sense for the wronged party to file for a legal divorce that has already spiritually happened when your spouse broke their vows.
Can the abuse that you (and perhaps your children as well) endured be considered “valid” enough even though it wasn’t physically injuring? Does a beating of the spirit hold any less significance? - emotional abuse article
Do you not have a moral obligation to give your spouse his/her freedom rather than to hold them hostage to a marriage that they clearly have no intent on maintaining? 1 Corinthians 7: 15 says that if the unbeliever separates, let them, because God has called us to live in peace. When your spouse has separated from you via the violation of your marriage vows to love, honor, and cherish, you are to let your spouse go because there will be no peace if you cling to your spouse in an attempt to save the marriage by trying to prevent your spouse from “separating”/violating your marriage vows. When you try to hold the marriage together despite your spouse’s behavior that is tearing it apart, you are trying to control something that it is not your place to control. The alternative would be to continue to allow your spouse to violate your marriage vows over and over and take no action so that there is a pretend “peace.” Yet this is the very thing that Paul makes fun of and chastises the Corinthians for “you even put up with anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or puts on airs or slaps you in the face. To my shame I admit that we were too weak for that!” (2 Corinthians 11: 20,21)
Does it not also honor God to be clear about whether your spouse is truly a believer so that you do not share in the sins of others (1 Timothy 5:22)? We are to be as wise as servants and innocent as doves. And although it is good for you to stay in a marriage with an unbelieving spouse if that spouse is participating equally in the maintenance of the marriage (1 Corinthians 7: 12,13), Scripture tells us “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” You must be discerning and not call someone a believer if they consistently justify their wrong actions, have a lack of love for others, have a mindset of entitlement, and live for power and control. And if they return/repent but it is clear that they are not doing it with “all their heart” but rather in pretense (Jeremiah 3: 10), then they are not truly repentant.
Does it not profane his name to remain enslaved when Christ has set us free?
Does it not profane his name to be in a marriage in which you have to lie every day to your spouse and the world, affirming that he is a good husband despite his harmful behavior, because you are commanded to respect and obey your husband?
Does it not profane God’s name that believers look stupid and ignorant for allowing themselves to be hurt in the name of not divorcing?
Does it not make God look terrible and heartless that he would command his people that they must endure mistreatment rather than divorcing? Is that not an insult to the justice of God?
Has not God, Himself, declared divorce and sent away his unfaithful people (Jeremiah 3: 8)?
Should you rather, as some advisors would say, remain separated from your spouse forever but not legally divorced (1 Corinthians 7:11), despite a spouse’s ability to continue to be financial abusive when there is only separation and not divorce?
If you find yourself asking that question: “What is God’s will, and what will bring Him glory and honor?” Then what you need to do is also answer the other questions posed in this article in order to know that God is not as legalistic as many would make him seem. Yes, there are commands that he gives us that we should follow, but they are given so that we can love Him and love others - they are not designed to be used as a bludgeoning tool (toward ourselves or others) to keep us in line. When we are asked to tolerate others’ sin against us in order that we might prove ourselves, that creates a trauma bond, not a bond of love.
Marriage and the Gospel
Staying in a marriage that is the opposite of close and loving miscommunicates the gospel. It tells people that God wants us to stay close to people who do not stay close to us when the truth of the gospel is that God gives us an opportunity to draw near to Him through the forgiveness He offers but that we have to receive with a repentant heart. And if we do not receive it, then we are not close to God.
Staying in a marriage that is the opposite of close and loving also communicates that God wants us to cling to commitments even when others are not clinging to them AS IF that’s what God does - but He does not. When people violate his covenant, they are separated from God. God has no commitment to hold on to people who are not holding on to Him.
In light of how often Christians miscommunicate the gospel by the way they lives their lives, it’s no wonder that so many people are confused and believe they are going to heaven when they are living lives separated from God, and why they think that God forgives everybody and would never let someone go away from him (to Hell). We send the wrong message about who God is when we don’t reflect his character.
So pray about this. Take it to God. And ask Him what honors Him. And whatever is the answer to that question, as you ponder whether divorce can honor Him, THAT is what you become willing to do - for His glory. And you will discover that…
hope isn’t found in our situation changing… it’s found in our situation…
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