How To Prevent Your Child From Becoming A Narcissist (Even If They Are Being Raised By One)
I get this question a lot: My child’s other parent is a narcissist, and I’m starting to see some of that parent’s traits in my child - how can I help my child avoid becoming a narcissist?
The answer is simple:
Emotionally healthy parents raise emotionally healthy kids. Emotionally unhealthy parents raise emotionally unhealthy kids. You can only give what you have, and you can’t give what you don’t have.
That doesn’t mean that two emotionally healthy parents won’t have a child that goes astray, because there are a lot of factors that may be out of a parent's control that play into raising kids, of course (trauma, loss, change in family dynamics, etc). And no parent is perfect. So don’t beat yourself up if you have a child who isn’t how you raised them. But as a general rule, the greater emotional health the parents have, the better chance they have to raise emotionally healthy children.
That also doesn’t mean that two emotionally unhealthy parents won’t have a child that turns out amazing. With the right support, a child can develop the resilience necessary to overcome the worst of circumstances.
But many people want to know: What can I do that will give my kids the best chance of not being negatively affected by dysfunction, abuse, narcissism, or divorce? And that first paragraph sums it up: If you want to raise kids that successfully transition into adulthood with the emotional maturity they need to be successful relationally, then you have to get as healthy as you can. Here’s what that looks like.
Getting Emotionally Healthy Yourself
Create a life for yourself that demonstrates your strength, significance, and security. Those three S’s are what children need in order to successfully launch into adulthood [get my guide for that], and they have to get that from you when they’re children (or develop them by themselves as adults - the guide covers how to get those things as an adult if you never received them as a child).
Here are some examples of what that could look like for you:
Develop strength:
Advocate for yourself, go after what’s important to you, don’t be afraid of outcomes or of what others will say, learn how to set boundaries, educate yourself on the unhealthy tactics people use in relationships and how to respond to those tactics.
Develop significance:
Provide for yourself (and allow God to provide for you) what you may have, in the past, tried to get from other people - love, acceptance, affirmation, approval. [Discover what you’ve needed from relationships when you get my guide to healing relational wounds].
Develop security:
Become as financially independent as possible, create a safe space and a peaceful home for yourself, and protect you safety, sanity, and security.
Your children are watching you. You are their barometer for how things are going in their own life. If you are worried and anxious, they will feel that and become anxious, too. If you are depressed, they will feel that. Show them what it looks like to get better. Be honest with them about what you’ve not done well in the past and talk about how you’re changing and growing.
As you get emotionally healthy, you will be the light for your children, and people are drawn to light. Having a sense of strength, significance, and security creates the best opportunity for your child to be drawn to you, to trust you, and to look to you as a role model [If you are worried that they will turn against you, read my article on what to do about that]
The 4 Results of Being Raised by a Narcissist
Before we go on to other ways you can raise your children to not be affected by dysfunction, abuse, narcissism, or divorce, let’s talk about what it might look like if they DO become affected.
In general, children that have a relationship with an unhealthy parent will end up with one of the following personality types (and they are all a response to the hatred they feel for how they are treated):
1. The bully:
Some children hate how they are treated and begin to develop the strategy that the way to win is to beat their emotionally unhealthy parent at their own game. This child is drawn to the feeling of power and control displayed by the parent’s tactics and take on the traits of the unhealthy parent: bullying, temper tantrums, use of feelings to manipulate outcomes, defiance toward accountability, etc. - sometimes in an attempt to align with the parent, sometimes in an attempt to overpower them.
2. The people-pleaser:
Some children will attempt to please the unhealthy parent in hopes of avoiding the the pain of the parent’s control. When children try to be obedient and appease a parent in hopes of avoiding the parent’s wrath or control, they become people-pleasers and boundaryless, allowing unhealthy people into their lives and often become adults who take on relationships as “projects,” finding themselves in exactly the kind of relationship that they wish they could have avoided (or fixed) as a child.
3. The rebel:
Some children, hating the control and manipulation of the unhealthy parent, will rebel, doing everything that the parent doesn’t want them to do. This could be anything from “hiding from the world” by isolating to “acting out” and getting in trouble (the ultimate embarrassment for a narcissistic parent)
4. The overcomer:
These are the children who have the support they need to be resilient to the parent’s tactics. They learn how to set boundaries and to be OK with not having a close relationship with the parent. And they develop the strength, significance, and security that it takes to grow into an emotionally mature and healthy adult. These children choose good relationships, show strong discernment, and make wise choices.
Everyone resists being controlled. We were made to be free. And everyone’s response in an attempt to resist that control will be different. But there is a way to give your child the best chance at being an overcomer.
How To Raise Overcomers
Other than becoming an emotionally healthy overcomer yourself [get my guide to overcoming], here are other things you can do to have the best chance of raising emotionally healthy children:
Model humility
Show your children that you don’t know everything, and let them know that we’re all just doing the best we can in life. This will help them develop grace for themselves and others and help them avoid the pressure of living up to expectations that, if they can’t meet them, bring disappointment, disillusionment, or self-judgement.
Guide them through problem-solving
Rather than telling them what to do, help them explore their options and come up with a decision that they think is best. People learn more by thinking through options and coming up with a variety of solutions and choosing the one they think is best than they do through being told what to do. Allow your children to think on their own, even if their solution might fail. Let them practice while they still have a parent there to catch them if they fall.
Allow them to share their thoughts and feelings without correction, judgement, or redirection
It’s important that they are allowed to be honest about their thoughts and feelings, particularly about their other parent (and about you) without being told to think or feel differently. Children are very intuitive. Their intuition needs to be affirmed in order for them to be able to trust their judgement and grow into emotionally healthy adults. Because, don’t forget, the goal of parenting is not obedience, it’s maturity. [Read more about how to support your child in this article]
Defend them
Until they can fully defend themselves, stand up for them and teach them healthy ways to defend themselves from those who hurt them, take advantage of them, or try to control them [Read more about this in my article on bullying]
Create Family Traditions
Even the smallest traditions create a strong bond.
Eat a meal together every day and don’t make it optional - work your schedule and the children’s schedule around that meal so that the thought of missing it doesn’t even cross their mind.
Don’t waste a car ride! Take advantage of time together in the car to talk about their day, news stories, and plans for the day/week/month/year.
Do chores together - rather than making chores something that everyone is assigned to and does in isolation, work together to get chores done. If one person vacuums and another does the dishes and another cleans the bathroom, do it all at once. When you’e done, do something fun together.
Have a family fun night - whether it’s board games, hide-n-seek in the dark, a walk in the park, sports fun, or crafts, make it interactive and fun.
Have 1st-day-of-school traditions. Have last-day-of-school traditions. Have staycations that simulate a beach vacay (get out the kiddie pool), caving (indoor fort), outdoor survival (camping), or touring (take a tour of your city as though you’ve never been there - get lots of tourist photos!)
Make bedtime special. Create bedtime routines that last about an hour. That might include picking out clothes for the next day, getting pajamas on, brushing teeth, talking about the day, reading a book together, praying, a good-night hug, and lights out time. This will prove to be invaluable for helping your child sleep, both now and into adulthood.
Set family values and talk about them
Make your family schedule a priority, make early bedtimes an expectation, create a family mantra around safety issues (e.g. “nothing good happens after dark”). Use phrases like “in our family, we…” to create a sense of teamwork and community.
Enjoy being together
Have fun, laugh a lot, don’t take life too seriously
Give them the freedom to be who they want to be
Discern which issues are worth addressing and which aren’t (e.g. pink hair or a mohawk might just be a style they want to try; hanging out with the pot-smokers would be a no-go). [Read my article on rebellion in children]
Know which battles are worth fighting
Develop strong values that provide good guideposts for healthy living. Your children are like a garden - if you don’t tend to the garden, it will grow weeds. In order to get flowers and fruit, you must spend time pruning and fertilizing, and weeding. You must direct its growth. It won’t always feel good, but the right care will get the best results.
If your child’s other parent is a narcissist or your family has suffered the tragedy of divorce, your child isn’t doomed. As God tells Joshua, “Don’t be afraid. Be strong and courageous.” You are your child’s biggest influence. Get as emotionally healthy as you can and do your best. You will find that, no matter what difficult situation you or your children find yourselves in…
Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…
Have questions about this? Sometimes you just need someone to ask. Schedule a Breakthrough Session.
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