10 Tips When Your Adult Child Is Making Decisions That Concern You
The situation
It’s hard being the parent of an adult child. The relationship changes when a child becomes a legal adult. Many people think that they are to always parent their children, but that isn’t how life works - and it isn’t what’s healthy. The goal of parenting isn’t having your kids obey you - the goal of parenting is maturity. It’s a parent’s duty to help a child reach adulthood as mature, emotionally healthy adults who can independently and successfully navigate the challenges of life. [Get my resource on how to do that… and what happens if you don’t]. A parent is only responsible for the decisions of their children until their children become legal adults. At that point, any “parenting” you do with your adult child (in terms of telling your adult child what to do) is really just another word for “control.”
Now, I get it, we want to see our children make good choices. But learning doesn’t come by them doing everything right - it comes through getting things wrong. And you deprive them of the opportunity to continue to mature and grow when you try to “parent” them so as to make sure they avoid making any major mistakes in life.
What are the mistakes you are trying to help your child avoid or the decisions they’re making that you don’t agree with? Here are some possibilities:
Your adult child is in a toxic relationship
Your adult child claims to be a Christian but is dating someone who isn’t
Your adult child is questioning their gender
You see them not making good financial decisions
They are struggling with their mental health
They are turning away from God
The message we send when we try to help
When you give unsolicited advice, harsh judgments, or parental demands to try to help your adult child get on the path you think they should be on, you are trying to exert control over their choices. It sends the message: “I don’t trust that you can figure it out. I must rescue you. I must solve your problems for things to get better.”
It also erodes the relationship between you and your adult child because it communicates to them that you don’t approve of them unless they are making choices you agree with, that they have no value in your relationship with them unless they do what you think they should do, and that they are a disappointment. These are messages that you don’t want to send - because those messages won’t change their mind about the decisions they’re making (or, if they do, it’s a change to please you but it’s a facade to hide what they think). In fact, those messages might reinforce their decisions as they feel compelled to defend them. Or, in the case of feigned compliance, it only creates internal conflict for them that gets harder and harder to resolve because their decision-making is being clouded by pressure to do what you think is right.
Your adult child’s problem is not yours to solve, it’s theirs. Even if you think you know what’s best, you can’t decide for them what they need to do in order to be safe, wise, or good. If you do, you take away the struggle that they need to go through in order to come to the safe, wise, or good decisions on their own. You disempower them, making them unable to clearly see what they need. You get in the way and make the solution about what you want, clouding their ability to see what they want or need, and making it difficult for them to decide what’s best.
How to support your adult child when you are afraid they aren’t making good decisions
Be empathetic and curious instead of emotional, directive, or critical. Instead of stating your opinion, ask theirs.
Here are some examples of what you can say:
“That sounded like a difficult conversation you had with him. How do you feel after that?”
“I know this is hard for you. You’re doing a good job trying to figure out what to do.”
“What has God been revealing to you about that lately?”
“Would you like to hear my thoughts?”
[Read my article on how to respond when someone is being hurt for more ideas]
Here are some examples of what to avoid saying:
“Why are you still with him - can’t you see how he treats you?”
“How can you say you’re a Christian when you’re not acting like one?”
“You’re going to end up homeless.”
“Pull yourself together and act like an adult.”
“What you’re doing is a sin.”
When you say the wrong things, it creates negative feelings that hinder a person’s ability to think clearly and make wise decisions.
Talk to your child as though things are “business as usual” - keep it light, low key, and fun - don’t make things awkward and tense. Not everything you do with your adult child has to include your concerns about the choices they’re making. Don’t keep bringing it up. Live life with them, spend time with them having fun, have normal conversations (not talking about the concerning topic), focusing on the good things they are doing and who they are. This isn’t the same as pretending their concerning choices aren’t there, you’re just choosing to let them deal with them instead of you trying to intervene. (Unless, of course, their choices are violating your reasonable house rules or boundaries - for example: your child is bringing drugs into your home, they bring unsafe people into your home, they are abusive toward you, they break the house rules, etc. In those cases, you should communicate your boundaries and enforce them.)
Don’t have the concerns on your mind all the time - release them. Have phrases that you redirect yourself to when you find yourself ruminating on your child’s problems - phrases such as: “they’re an adult and they get to make their own decisions now” or “the best way to help them is to be here for them when they experience the fallout of their choices” or “I pray for their wisdom and strength and trust that God has a good plan.”
If your child’s decisions are directly affecting your livelihood, family, or home, set boundaries to protect what needs to be protected. Be sure that the boundaries you are setting aren’t to try to get your adult child to change. Boundaries are to be set with you in mind, not with your adult child in mind.
Remember that you are loving your child, not their decisions. If you keep lecturing your child or you boycott them, you are sending the message that you aren’t happy with them and that their decisions define their worth. That’s not a healthy message to send. Remind yourself that you love your child not because they are good or make you proud (hopefully that’s not why you love your child!) but because they are your son or daughter and you want them to know that they are strong, significant, and secure. You’ve had your chance to instill those traits into them, now you have to back off and let them live them out and love them no matter what. That’s how God loves us.
Ask for permission before you share an opinion or advice - and if they deny permission, drop it. Giving unsolicited advice is a form of control, and no one wants to feel controlled. If you have advice, ask if you can offer it. If they don’t want to deal with the feelings they’ll have that come along with the advice (feelings of shame, being a disappointment, etc.) and they say they don’t want your advice, just drop it.
Ask how they feel about the way you are approaching it, and don’t get defensive when they answer. One of the best ways to gain and maintain trust in a relationship is to solicit feedback from them. (Only do this if it’s emotionally safe to do so - in other words, if they won’t use these tactics.) Ask them how they feel when you bring it up. If they say they feel like you’re butting in, like you don’t understand them, or like they want you to stop bringing it up, don’t get defensive and don’t READ (don’t try to Reason with them, Explain yourself, Argue, or Defend your position). Thank them for their honesty and move on to #8.
Ask what you can do to support them. Supporting someone while they solve their problem is different than trying to fix/solve their problem for them. Unless your adult child asks for your opinion or help, don’t tell them what to do. Their work right now is to learn to think for themselves, not depend on you or others to think for them. When you ask what you can do to support them, they might have some solid suggestions as to how to do that. Listen and take their advice (if it’s reasonable - and if you’re not sure, seek out others’ perspectives).
Manage your own fears instead of putting them on your child. Your adverse reactions to their decisions come from your own fear that they will experience difficulties or get hurt. Manage your fears yourself instead of trying to get your child to alleviate them. You are responsible for your fear. Your child is responsible for their choices. Don’t switch those to make your child responsible for your fear and you responsible for their choices.
Remind yourself over and over that they are an adult and, therefore, they get to make their own decisions. Your job as their parent is over - you did the best you could with what you had at the time you had it. Now it’s time for you to be a sounding board and to keep the relationship friendly and open - you know, like adults.
And when you accept the situation instead of trying to change it, you will experience that… hope isn’t found in our situation changing…. it’s found in our situation….
Need some support with an adult child? Schedule a Breakthrough Session below.
