Honoring Parents When They Don't Deserve It
The Bible says “honor your father and mother” - but what if they aren’t honorable? What if they don’t deserve it? Is there an exception to that command? And, if not, how do you honor someone who isn’t honorable? And how do you teach your children to do the same?
These are all great questions. Let’s make sure we are starting with an accurate view of what honor actually is, because many would think that it is obedience or respect or holding someone in high regard. But thankfully, the Bible doesn’t view honor the same way the world does.
What is honor?
From a study of Scripture, we see that honor refers to recognition of (and a show of integrity toward) a person due to their appointed status. In other words, “honor your father and mother” could be rephrased as “recognize the appointed position of your father and mother, and show integrity in your actions toward them."
Since a parent’s position as “father” or “mother” is appointed by God, there is no exception to the command to recognize that. Therefore, parents don’t get honor because they deserve it, they get honor because they are appointed it.
It should be a relief to know that honor is simply a recognition of a person’s appointed position. That’s easier to swallow than obedience, respect, or esteem toward someone who doesn’t deserve that. So let’s continue this discussion by talking about what honor is not.
What honor is NOT
Honor is not obedience
When Colossians 3:20 says “obey your parents in everything,” it clearly does not mean absolutely everything, because it is obvious that God would not require you to obey them in sin. 1 Timothy 5: 22 says “do not share in the sins of others,” When you obey someone’s selfish demands or allow their abuse, you are participating in their sin.
Obedience to an emotionally unhealthy/abusive parent also results in harm to yourself and to the parent, and Romans 13: 10 says “Love does no harm.” So honoring a parent cannot mean unconditionally obeying them.
How does it result in harm? It results in harm to yourself because you are participating in their sin of selfishness and abuse, and it results in harm to the parent because, rather than having the opportunity to become aware of their sinful nature, obedience colludes with it and enables continuing in sin. What we are called to do is this: “whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death” (James 5:20) - and colluding with and enabling their sin through obedience will not turn them from their error and will not save them from death. Romans 14:22 says “Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves” - so do not harm them by your approval of their behavior through obedience.
Furthermore, we are called to put God first, not our parents. Acts 5: 29 says, when what a person tells you to do does not align with what God wants, then you “must obey God rather than human beings.” So obedience to parents is not a requirement.
Honor is not praise (or speaking well of)
If you try to speak well of someone who is not deserving of praise, you are dishonoring yourself, and you don’t have to do that. You can be honest without being slanderous - and sometimes honesty means saying unpleasant things.
David is a great example of honoring someone even while speaking truth about their bad behavior. In the book of 1 Samuel, chapter 24, Saul is looking for David in order to take his life and goes into a cave to relieve himself, not knowing that David is in the cave. David has an opportunity to kill Saul but doesn’t, instead, cutting a corner off of Saul’s robe. He then says to Saul: “My lord the king!” When Saul looked behind him, David bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.He said to Saul, ‘Why do you listen when men say, ‘David is bent on harming you’?This day you have seen with your own eyes how the Lord delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, ‘I will not lay my hand on my lord, because he is the Lord’s anointed.’See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. See that there is nothing in my hand to indicate that I am guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion. I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life. May the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you.As the old saying goes, ‘From evildoers come evil deeds,’ so my hand will not touch you.”
Honor is not a feeling
There is a difference between a parent FEELING honored and a parent being TREATED WITH honor. What we are called to do is honor our father and mother. We are not called to make them feel honored. It’s an important distinction because a parent who isn’t honorable will want honor to feel like obedience, affirmation, acceptance, worship, and submission. To be frank, anyone expecting all of that is not going to feel honored by any amount of effort on a child’s part, because in order to FEEL honored, you have to have HUMILITY - and humility is lacking if someone thinks they deserve honor - see Luke 14: 7-11
Honor is not something that a parent can demand
Something that is not freely given is not given at all - it’s taken - and there’s no true honor in that. You can’t force someone to honor you - and you shouldn’t try.
The verses in Ephesians that come after “honor your father and mother” say “fathers, do not exasperate your children.” God doesn’t command one person in a relationship without giving a command to the other. A parent will exasperate his/her children by trying to force their children to honor them. A parent must understand that they have to give their children the freedom to choose not to honor so that, if they do honor, it is a choice. (After all, the consequence for them failing to honor is theirs, as the rest of the verse says “so that it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life” - those who hold bitterness against their parents fail to relieve themselves of their own suffering.)
When we consider the topic of honor, we need to remain consistent with the character of God and not become legalistic. An emotionally unhealthy parent will push the command to honor legalistically and hard - all the while ignoring the command of the next verse that says “fathers, do not exasperate your children.” [Read my article about how exasperation can produce anxiety]
God is not about us legalistically following his commands - we are not saved by the law. God is about loving him and loving others - this includes treating each other rightly and giving others the freedom to make their own choices about how to treat people (and protecting ourselves from those choices if necessary). God’s Word is not meant to enslave us, it is meant to set us free.
Therefore, obedience is never the parenting goal of a parent who is honorable. Maturity is the goal.
How to honor parents who don’t deserve it
The command to honor your father and mother doesn’t come with exceptions. So, how can you recognize your parent’s position and influence (either positive or negative) in your life and follow the command to honor them? Before we get into that, let’s start with: “Why, even, would you honor/recognize them?”
Our parents, whether or not they chose their appointed status and whether or not they handled it with care and integrity, have a huge impact on our lives. A parent’s abuse, neglect, or absence is painfully impactful, and even if you want to dismiss that and act like you couldn’t care less about them, you have to acknowledge their role in order to heal from the emotional wounds they inflicted so that you can grow into a mature, emotionally healthy adult who has healthy relationships. [Wondering why your relationships aren’t healthy? It’s because you haven’t healed. Get my guide to healing.]
Knowing that recognizing their position/role is important, let’s move on.
Ways we fail to honor our dishonorable parents:
We fail to honor our parents (and the command of God) when we intentionally minimize their role and impact in our lives (for example, by calling them by their first names or by not referring to them at all or by referring to them by derogatory names like “sperm donor”).
We also fail to honor them when we harbor resentments or bitterness that make us feel cold toward them rather than finding the capacity to stay warm and compassionate and gracious toward them even while keeping emotional (and/or physical) distance as necessary.
What does honor look like?
Honoring a dishonorable parent looks like declaring, in your heart and with your actions, “You are my dad (or mom), so I don’t want you to feel hurt or disrespected or unappreciated, but I can’t dishonor who I am as a child of God in order to try to make you FEEL honored.” For example:
I can’t accept blame for things I didn’t do in order to make you feel better about your mistakes. Therefore, when you make a mess and tell me I have to clean it up, I might not do it. Not to dishonor you, but to protect myself from becoming your punching bag.
I can’t be at your beck and call in order to help you feel important. Therefore, when you order me around, I might say “no.” Not to dishonor you, but to protect my freedom to be me and not be a slave.
I can’t do everything you want me to do so that you feel like you have succeeded as a parent. Therefore, when you tell me I have to eat my peas, I might not eat my peas. Not to dishonor you, but because I don’t like peas, and that’s OK.
I won’t always think the way you want me to think, or hold the same values or opinions in order to make you feel right. Therefore, sometimes when you send me to my room to think about how wrong it is to contradict you, I might go to my room and think about something else and have nothing to say to you when you ask me what I was thinking about. Not to dishonor you, but because honor isn’t dependent on me thinking like you.
I won’t accept who you tell me I am just so you can feel better and more powerful. Therefore, sometimes when you yell at me and call me names, I might say back to you “that’s not true” and maybe I’ll even leave the house. Not to dishonor you, but because honor isn’t dependent upon whether I accept your criticisms of me or not.
I won’t always tolerate your unpredictable anger. Therefore, when you want a relationship with me, I might choose to stay distant. Not to dishonor you, but because bad company corrupts good character, and I watch my life closely so as not to fall in with people who will influence me negatively - even if that’s a parent.
I won’t be controlled by the guilt you try to place on me for not spending time with you so that you can feel like you weren’t absent as a parent. Therefore, when you try to make me feel guilty for not going to your house for the holidays, I might not go next year, either. Not to dishonor you but to let you know that guilt does not attract me to you.
And if I don’t have the freedom to say “no” or to disobey, I will stand firm in the truth that I am not your slave or a loser or your punching bag or your friend, and one day I will be free to be who I am and will be able to protect myself from you.
“But to honor you, what I WILL do is…”
I will forgive you [be sure to read my article on forgiveness, it may surprise you!]
I will always call you my dad / my mom
I will acknowledge that you did your best
I will treat you with as much gentleness and respect as I can
I will do what I reasonably can without forsaking myself when you ask me to
I will appreciate the good things you do
I will spend time with you if I feel emotionally safe to do so
I will set boundaries and hope that you see them as guide rails that can lead to a good relationship with me
I will not reject your opportunities for reconciliation (but I might require more than what you are willing to give)
I will yearn for a good relationship with you while accepting the reality that that may never come to pass
I will never lose hope
Here are some other ways to honor a parent who isn’t honorable:
Speak the truth in love (even if they’ll hate you for it - Galatians 4: 16 “have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?”)
Give them the freedom to reject you
Grieve the loss of your relationship with them
Don’t blame them for your problems, but seek to heal your own wounds (those who hurt us can’t heal us - don’t expect them to). Said another way: don’t let your reasons for your behavior (when you act out of woundedness) become excuses for your behavior
Don’t expect from them what they cannot give (love, apologies, understanding, generosity) - but also don’t forgo the requirement for mutuality in the relationship just because they can’t do their part - adjust the depth of the relationship so that you are not a victim of their incapacity
Don’t become like them - heal
Remain open to forgiveness and reconciliation [read my article on reconciliation]
Pray for them to be able to give and receive love
Trust that they did the best they could (if they could have done better, they would have done better - just believe that)
Set boundaries to protect them from becoming enmeshed with you and to protect yourself from emotional turmoil
What If YOU are the parent?
Maybe you’ve been reading this and you’re thinking “I don’t want to be a dishonorable parent. What can I do to be a parent worthy of honor?” - especially since we are our children’s first experience of what God is like as a Good Father, and we want to represent Him accurately so that they honor God.
Good news! I’ve written an article on how to be an honorable parent. Click the link to read it.
When all is said and done, honoring your parent is done as much for you as it is for them. After all, it is the first commandment with a promise “that it may go well with you and you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Having the right mindset toward a parent who has not acted honorably will be healing for you and help you have good relationships. And you will discover that, as much as you may hope that your situation with your parent changes…
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation…
Need someone to talk to about this? Schedule a Breakthrough Session.
