How To Be An Honorable Parent So That Your Children Honor Their Father And Mother
The Bible says “honor your father and mother.” If you haven’t read my article on how to do that when your parents aren’t honorable, here’s where you can read about the biblical context of honor and how to honor parents who don’t deserve it.
This article addresses how to BE a parent worthy of honor. Now, of course, there is no perfect parent, but if you’re someone who understands that honor isn’t only something that a parent is entitled to but is even better when it’s earned, then this is where we explore how to be that kind of parent.
How to be a parent worthy of honor
Our children’s first experience of what God is like as a Good Father is through a parent, and a good parent wants to represent God accurately so that our children honor God.
As parents, it is our responsibility to instill in our children 3 things that will help them grow into emotionally healthy adults, show them that we have their best interest in mind, make our children’s relationship with us valuable, and make honoring us easy.
1. Significance (“you’re valuable/you matter”)
celebrate them for who they are (not just for what they do)
have fun with them
seek to understand the deeper need behind negative behavior (a need to be heard, a need for personal power, a need to be loved, a need to be affirmed) - and address that more than the behavior
make what’s important to them important to you - and share what’s important to you with them
tell them the truth (don’t come up with empty words or flippant responses or scenarios that convey a lie instead of the truth)
2. Strength (“you have personal power/autonomy/you are free to choose”)
give them freedom - even the freedom to reject you (like God allows us to reject him)
help them grieve and work through negative emotions and situations - don’t take the easy way out and tell them it’s not a big deal or they need to get over it or cliches like “time heals all wounds”
teach them critical thinking and discernment so that they can consider what is right and wrong
be sure not to judge what they think or feel as right or wrong - honor their journey while gently guiding them
teach them to trust their instincts
3. Security (“you are safe”)
set appropriate limits (boundaries designed to protect and guide)
protect them until they are mature enough to protect themselves (and explain to them “why” you have to protect them - always with an attitude of concern rather than of authority)
stand up for them and show them how to stand up for themselves
allow honesty (let them tell you things - even things that are hard to hear - without criticizing, without trying to get them to see things your way) - allow negative feelings - be a safe space for them to process their thoughts and feelings
don’t make them do things that fly in the face of their intuition about what is acceptable (“kiss your aunty’s hairy face”) - affirm the decisions they make regarding their safety
In order to do all of those things, a parent must get emotionally healthy themselves - you can’t provide what you don’t have. Recover from your own childhood (let God reparent you) so you can provide mature guidance. Otherwise you will be parenting from a place of insecurity - using shame, guilt, CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, Punishment), or other unhealthy methods of licking your own wounds rather than doing what is best for your child.
Everyone is drawn to freedom, stability, honesty, and genuineness. Be that for your children. That’s how you earn their trust so that you can guide and influence them.
(As a side note, after a child turns 18 years old, they are legally responsible for themselves. You’ve done what you can do, now you turn them over to God to finish the work. You can stop “parenting” them and just be there for them as a healthy, mature adult. That’s the way to be worthy of honor after they are 18.)
What if you have a child whose other parent is not honorable?
How do you teach your children so that they do not either 1. Become like the parent who is not honorable (e.g they are emotionally unhealthy or abusive) or 2. Yield their souls to the other parent (become codependent and people-pleasing)? Because those are the two options unless they are emotionally healthy.
First, respect what your children feel comfortable with as long as they show that they can handle it. This means that if your child doesn’t seem comfortable spending time with the other parent, then you shouldn’t force them, nor should you try to tell your child that their father is a good father when he clearly has bad character. Likewise, if the child is comfortable spending time with the other parent, you should allow that, but be discerning and wise as you handle discussions so that the truth about the other parent’s character is not suppressed, lest your child think that the other parent’s behavior is normal and appropriate (even though it’s not).
Not everyone would agree that you should allow the other parent to be estranged as per the child’s preferences, but the reason is for the sake of the child’s emotional development and future relationships. When you subject your children to unhealthy relationships because of common belief statements like “he’s your father,” you are teaching children that they have to put up with emotionally unhealthy people. It sends the message to the child that their feelings don’t matter (and that they shouldn’t trust their feelings), that they can’t say “no” or set boundaries, and that they have to tolerate someone whose behavior is not tolerable.
Imagine what children grow up to be like when they don’t trust their feelings, when they don’t set boundaries, and when they tolerate unacceptable behavior. They end up in dysfunctional relationships and heartache, repeating the same cycle as their parents.
If your children choose to stay in contact with an emotionally unhealthy parent (or they are required to due to a court order), you can help them be emotionally healthy (again, instilling strength, significance, and security) by:
Affirming to them what they instinctively know to be true (kids are great at sensing when they are being manipulated, controlled, bamboozled, or treated wrongly) - affirm their sense of right and wrong
Not pretending that things are OK when they’re not
Helping them understand the dynamics of what is occurring (at an age-appropriate level)
Not asking them to choose sides
Letting them know that they are not alone and that you understand what they’re dealing with
Teaching them what is OK and what is not without being accusatory or slanderous
Helping them know how to protect themselves by setting boundaries
Being an example of an emotionally healthy adult who doesn’t exploit or control others
Helping them grieve the loss of a good parent-child relationship
Staying grounded in reality (instead of the fantasy of what could be or “should” be)
Modeling a healthy relationship with them (give freedom, validate perspective, stay in reality/tell the truth, take responsibility and require it from others, recognize that results speak for themselves)
Being an honorable parent is one of the greatest gifts that you can give to your children. Helping them navigate a relationship with an unhealthy parent in a healthy way is another great gift. It’s how children grow up to be emotionally mature. And the goal of parenting is not obedience - it’s maturity. And then they grow in maturity, they navigate life from the perspective that…
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it is found in our situation…
If you’d like to learn more about how to be honorable or how to help a child whose other parents is not honorable, schedule a Breakthrough Session.
