Are You Nice Or Are You Just Codependent?
Are you someone who strives to always be nice to people? You like to be helpful. You always try to put a positive spin on a situation to keep things pleasant and light and peaceful. You give people the benefit of the doubt. You make excuses for people so that they don’t feel bad about doing something wrong. You go above and beyond in everything you do.
While these feel like really good character traits to those who are like that, it isn’t looked upon as highly by those who are observing - much to the dismay of those who are trying to be nice. Because people who are like that want to be seen in a positive light, so to have someone see those character traits as anything other than positive can be devastating to a person’s identity. But we’re going to tackle it in order to bring some truth.
What “nice” is really all about
The church often encourages people to be “nice.” They might not use that word directly, but they imply it through their teachings on topics like Philippians 4:8 (the “whatever” passage), love and respect, submission, unity, and unconditional love. I could go on, but you get the point.
What being “nice” does to people, though, is that it makes them ignore reality. It makes them believe that if they are kind to those who have wrong them, it will lead to repentance (even if it doesn’t). It encourages them to keep trying harder to be nice and to just pray when someone isn’t treating them with respect or consideration (even if that just leads to more disrespect). And it causes people to believe that if they keep pursuing God’s plan for marriage then eventually their miracle will happen (even if it all that will happen is that they create an Ishmael).
What the church doesn’t teach is how to respond to the very real circumstances of really difficult relationships. Rather than creating gentle warriors for marriage, they create weak codependents packaged as strong believers willing to suffer for good.
Codependency
Codependency is a word that has evolved over the years. It was originally used to refer to someone who enables a loved one who has an alcohol or drug problem. But it’s definition has broadened and it has come to mean so much more than that.
The etymology of the word gives us a clue as to its meaning: “co” means “together” and “dependent” means “to rely on.” So, to be codependent is to rely on the person you are “together” with. In the case of codependency being dysfunctional, as is usually the context in which it is used, this “relying on” another is overdone to the extent that there is a desperate obsession for the other person to like them and approve of them.
To this end, a person who is codependent relies on another person to meet certain emotional “needs.” The word “needs” is in quotes, because, as we’ll discover, the needs are not legitimate needs but, rather, perceived needs. However, it is these perceived needs that drive the behavior of someone who is codependent.
The typical arrangement is that, in the relationship that the codependent person is in, the relationship revolves around their partner, usually because the partner requires their attention, either overtly seeking attention or drawing attention because their behavior compels the other person to attend to them. The partner could be a heavy drinker or marijuana smoker, they could be someone who gets angry easily, they could be someone who is perceived as the innocent victim of a mental health struggle or a physical limitation, or they could be someone who is in a position of authority and demands respect. (These are just examples, not an exhaustive list.)
Because of the partner’s need for attention and the codependent' person’s desire to be “nice” and “Christian,” the codependent person believes that they have to focus all of their attention on their partner, usually to the extent that they pay no attention to themselves and become completely absorbed in what their partner feels and the way their partner thinks, even attempting to manage their partner’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to help the partner feel comfortable and loved. Ironically, a codependent does this because there is something about the relationship that is uncomfortable for them. They may be afraid of CRAP (criticism, rejection, abandonment, or punishment) - that the other person will leave or will get angry or will criticize them or will end up hurt or in trouble. A codependent believes that if they can get their partner to change, then things will be better. But it’s all tied in with a need that they are trying to meet for themselves: perhaps the need to be right, the need to help or fix, the need for approval, or the need for commitment. [Take my core needs questionnaire and see what need you are trying to meet]
The need that the partner has may be: a need to be validated, a need for attention, the need to be able to do whatever they want without consequences, the need to feel that no one is trying to control them, the need to be allowed to seek their own desires, or the need to be taken care of. (Again, not an exhaustive list, just some examples.)
The reality of codependency
While codependent behaviors may feel right to the codependent person and may even be praised by some as kind, loving, generous, gracious, etc., it’s only to other emotionally unhealthy people that the behaviors of codependency appear right. To those who are emotionally healthy, codependent behaviors come across as:
Disingenuous
You appear to be trying too hard, and it makes people feel like they can’t trust you because they don’t know what you’re really thinking. You might feel flexible and accommodating, but others feel like you’re just going along to get along.
Little Miss (or Mister) Perfect
You pay way too much attention to detail and make other people feel like you’re trying to outdo them. You feel productively tenacious, but others feel that it’s too much.
Overdoing It
Whether it’s planning a celebration or trying to explain something, it’s exhausting to watch you try to cover all the bases and account for every detail. To you it feels thorough and graciously above and beyond, but to others it feels unnecessary.
Trying to Fix Everyone
Your desire for everyone to be comfortable leads you to try to help everyone - which makes people feel like you’re always trying to change them or correct their behavior. To you it feels helpful, but to others it feels judgmental, and it makes others afraid to open up to you.
Just Not Getting It
You might believe that, by your robust efforts to understand others, you’ve figured things out - and you want others to know that you understand them. But you also want to be sure to humbly portray that you are also still open to learning. And while to you that feels intelligent but humble, to others who have a better grasp on reality, it looks like you’re trying but you just don’t get it. People can tell that you’re deceived and can’t see the realities of life through your rose-colored glasses.
Fake
People who are codependent often have a certain tone to their voice that sounds calm or fun or pleasant, but to others your tone feels fake, as though you are scared to let out how you really feel.
Ignorant
You agree with people no matter how ridiculous their statements or stories are (especially regarding the person you’re codependent on). You are trying to be respectful of someone else’s perspective, but to those who see through it, it’s not respect, it’s just ignorance.
Controlling
You think that your gentle prompts and attention to detail are ways of making things better. You feel in control in ways that makes the world (or your relationship) a better place. But it’s not real. You may feel in control of yourself and others, but you’re participating in a game where you don’t make the rules, your partner does - and you lose in the end. [Get my list of the tactics your partner uses to stay in control]
Insincere
You try to exude a willingness to talk about problems and receive feedback from others in order to improve, but the fact is that if acting on feedback means that things won’t turn out the way you want them to (e.g. others’ advice could create more conflict in your relationship, could lead to what you perceive as “negative thinking,” or could make your spouse look bad), then you don’t really want to hear it. You’re too focused on your partner and defending them and trying to get them to change through ineffective methods and are not willing to try what actually works to initiate change because it doesn’t feel “nice” and because you don’t want to risk the relationship.
Faithful to a Fault
You can’t let go of the relationship. You’re determined to make it work no matter how bad it gets (and it gets pretty bad - at least compared to what emotionally healthy people would be willing to tolerate), and you celebrate any glimmer of hope. Even when it’s clear things are over, you keep pursuing (or wanting to).
What to do about Codependency
I don’t say all of this to shame you but to help you recognize that your niceness isn’t going to achieve the results you want. What really gains respect and admiration is your willingness to meet the demands of reality, even if it means sacrifice for you. After all, loving someone well really means sacrificing what you want to put others first. And when you recognize that what you want is to make a relationship work that your partner clearly doesn’t care about, the sacrifice is huge - it means giving up your hopes and dreams for the relationship in order to let the other person go and be who they are - and that might mean the end of the relationship if who they are is unacceptable to you. But when you are able to let go of your codependency, you will find that…. hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
Do you want to overcome codependency? Schedule a Breakthrough Session.
