11 Bold Character Traits That Ironically Reveal Secret Fears
As humans, we were created by a wholly-good God, but that doesn’t mean that we are innately good - in fact we know that we aren’t innately good because Scripture says that “there is no one who does good, not even one” (Psalm 14:3). And knowing that we aren’t good leaves areas of our lives where we are ruled by fear instead of by God. Let’s look at 11 character traits that may appear positive - or even bold - but that actually reveal what you’re secretly afraid of. Identifying why we are the way we are is a necessary step to overcoming fears in order for us to change the dynamics of our unhealthy relationships.
11 character traits of people who are operating out of fear
They have a hard time letting go of things and obsess about what they want to say or do to someone (desperation as fear)
Whether it’s an argument that they believe they’re right about or a person they’re desperately clinging to or even a relationship that is over that they just can’t stop obsessing about, having a hard time letting go stems from the fear of abandonment. To be abandoned means to not be accepted. And to not be accepted means they aren’t OK. So they must do whatever they can to avoid being abandoned. Yet the very things they do in their desperation to hold on to things are the very things that push others away, leading to the feeling they are desperately trying to avoid. People who fear abandonment often self-abandon: they re-enact the trauma of abandonment by giving themselves over to someone else again and again instead of giving themselves over to God, caring for themselves, and learning to be safe, sane, and secure when they’re alone. [Read my article on attachment]
They always have something they’re passionate about (passion as fear)
You know those people who always seem to have something they’re passionate about or a cause they’re fighting for. Maybe it’s you. Whether it’s a passionate pursuit of health through diet and/or exercise, a fashion kick, the pursuit of beauty or popularity, music, a political platform or candidate, or a moral cause, their passion about it is more than just a part of their life - it defines them. And we see evidence of how it defines them when someone else talks about them and refers to their passion as part of how they describe them: “that woman who is always talking about….” Passion about a topic or cause is related to the fear of not being good enough. People who relentlessly pursue passions at the expense of balance in their lives are striving to prove themselves and are afraid that, if they don’t get it right or do enough, they will not be living up to standards (theirs or someone else’s).
They get angry easily (anger as fear)
Most people know someone who gets angry easily. This is a person who hates being disrespected - and they interpret a lot of things as disrespect: someone disagreeing with them or someone doing something in a way they think they shouldn’t have. Anger is the fear of not being seen. The word “respect” comes from two latin roots mean “again” (“re”) and “see” (“spect” as in “spectacle” or “spectator”). To be respected is to be seen again and again. To be disrespected is to not be seen. And angry people fear not being seen, heard, and noticed. Behaviors like raising their voice, throwing things, stomping around, punching things - those are all loud behaviors that insist that a person be seen.
They are always criticizing something or complaining about something (negativity as fear)
They fear getting close to others. If they are negative, they keep people at arm’s length and instill fear in others. This gives them control over when they move closer to someone and when they don’t. Closeness isn’t something they always feel, it’s something they go after when they need some emotional refueling. And when they don’t want closeness, the message is “just stay away.” It’s a dynamic designed to protect their fear of being vulnerable because it leads to getting hurt. Perhaps they grew up with a parent who was unpredictable in their love and affection, so as a child they learned that they needed to keep their distance until they really needed something, and then they had to approach the parent with as much positive energy as they could muster just to get their need met.
They are sure that they know what is right and what is wrong (moral certainty as fear)
You’ve met people like this. And if you agree with them (or pretend to), everything is fine. But if they get the sense that you don’t agree with (or you seem to not know about the topic), then get ready for an earful. They’ll be sure to tell you all that you need to know. And if someone disagrees with them, they go in search of evidence that they are correct. Because of this, they are very opinionated and might be someone who seems to always have a cause or a soap box that they’re standing on about something. This moral certainty comes from the fear of being seen as less-than. They likely have had long periods of their life during which they were often told they were wrong or got in trouble for things when they were just trying their best to do what they thought was right.
They want people to do things their way, and they will do whatever it takes to make it happen (control as fear)
Whether it’s making demands, giving guilt trips, exploding in anger, or any of these other tactics, people who want control will do whatever it takes to get it and keep it. The need for control comes from the fear of not being loved or cared for. People who are like this may have been raised in a home where they couldn’t get genuine love or expressions of care no matter how hard they tried. Now, as an adult, they no longer bother with softer methods of trying to earn love or care, they go right to demanding it.
They get absorbed in their problems and can’t seem to climb out (self pity as fear)
People who engage in self pity are hard to reach. They seem to want to stay in their misery and don’t respond well to motivational speeches or the cheerleaders in their lives. They have an air about them that says “all is lost.” People who fall into the trap of self pity fear failure. They may have had a pattern in their life of trying and failing or of doing well only to have the carpet ripped out from under them. They start to feel like things will never get better.
They are guilt-trippers (guilt trips as fear)
These are the people who make you feel guilty for their own misery. And if it works, they’ll keep using it. It takes the focus off of their own behavior and consequences and puts the focus on you and how you are the one hurting them, messing up their lives, trying to control them, or getting in the way of their plans. The fear behind guilt trips is the fear that it won’t be safe to share their feelings. They probably grew up with caregivers who couldn’t handle (or manage) their own feelings of anger, disappointment, or fear and had no capacity to help their child through their feelings, thus creating an environment where it wasn’t safe to share.
They say one thing (or portray an agreeable image) but do another (passive aggressiveness as fear)
People who are passive aggressive pretend to be agreeable but then don’t follow through. And if they get called out, they act innocent. They fear being controlled and losing their freedom to make their own choices, so they do what they want in a way that they hope no one will notice. When they feel backed into a corner, blamed, or betrayed, they seek quiet revenge, hoping to give others a taste of their own medicine. Another version of this is what I call “passive-assertive” - read my article on the difference by clicking the link.
They don’t put effort into their lives (indifference/laziness as fear)
You know this type: the important people in their lives are exasperated with them but they do little or nothing about it, either acting incapable, unwilling, or indifferent. They are the ones whose spouses read books like The 5 Love Languages with them, hoping that they will be inspired and motivated, only to end up even more exasperated at their lack of trying. People who are indifferent or lazy fear their own inadequacies, like lack of insight or lack of skill. Doing something could lead to doing something wrong, so they do nothing instead. They don’t realize that they’re reinforcing the very judgement they are trying to avoid, but they also don’t seem to care. It protects them from having to work at something they might fail at.
They are yes-sayers and give off a way-too-nice vibe (people pleasing as fear)
People pleasers don’t want to let anyone down, so they are always saying “yes” but then end up feeling disappointed, exhausted, or unappreciated. At first glance it may seem to be that they are afraid of what other people think of them, so they are trying to manage others’ perceptions of them, but when you dig deeper, their people pleasing is for the purpose of trying to manage their own self-perception. They have no internal sense of personal acceptance and don’t know if they are OK the way they are or not unless someone else is giving them feedback about how they’re doing. They need others’ approval to feel worthwhile and purposeful. It seems like they fear disappointing others, but what they really fear is the discomfort of not knowing who they really are, so they become whoever everyone else wants them to be.
You might find that these character traits describe someone you know. While understanding the reasons that others are the way they are can help us to have empathy for them, please know that reasons for behavior are not excuses for behavior. If your understanding makes you inclined to give someone in your life more chances or more grace, the Bible warns that grace can be a license for immorality - so do not interpret this article to mean that just because someone has these fears they should be treated with kid gloves. Adults need to be treated as adults.
What this article IS intended to do is give you an understanding of yourself. Having insight into our own behavior is very important - even more important than understanding others. Because when we can understand why we do what we do, then we can change - and it’s then that we find that hope isn’t found in our situation changing, it’s found in our situation….
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