Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy (Or Are They?)
I understand the intentions of people who tell couples that their spouse is not their enemy. They are trying to get couples to work together instead of against each other. They want spouses to see each other as two broken people, each with good intentions, who are trying to get their needs met but aren’t going about it the right way. They want to believe that all the couple needs is to learn some communication skills, make each other a priority, or understand each other better.
Sometimes people need to hear that their spouse is not the enemy in order to reorient them to cooperation instead of conflict - particularly when what you truly have are two broken people, both with the capacity for relational health, who simply don’t have the skills to achieve peace.
But sometimes that’s not what you have. Sometimes you have a spouse who can’t (or won’t) work together with you no matter how hard people-helpers get them to try. Sometimes your spouse may seem to have good intentions but they have misdirected motives. Here’s what I mean: it’s very possible to have good intentions but wrong motives. Someone may intend to do what is best (after all, who intends to ruin their life or their family?), but their motive for that may be inherently selfish and destructive - they are doing it because they have an image to upkeep (e.g. they want to be seen as a good leader) or because they need to feel in control or because of fear of failure or rejection (get my resource “Why Is He Like That?”).
Here’s an example: someone might want what is best for their family and, in pursuing that, may control what the family does under the pretense of knowing what is best (often displaying a double standard - get my whole list of unhealthy tactics people use). A husband may assert himself as the head of the family and demand that he be respected and obeyed. Or a wife may take advantage of her husband’s servant leadership and become needy, demanding, or unpleasable.
When that is the situation, can a person honestly say that their spouse is not their enemy? If a spouse is not for you and their motives are inherently selfish (they are trying to get their own needs met - the need to be respected, the need to be loved, the need to be affirmed, the need to belong, the need to feel good), are their goals and methods not in opposition to you and the marriage? Does that not make them impossible to work with?
What is an enemy?
An enemy is someone who is willing to exploit you or harm you for their own selfish gain. Jesus says that the enemy comes only to kill, steal, and destroy. Why does the enemy do that? Because it serves his interests. But he doesn’t necessarily achieve those things through means that appear harmful. Quite the opposite! The enemy often kills, steals, and destroys by deceiving. He portrays himself as wanting what is best, of doing things for your benefit, and he pushes a narrative that sounds like what you want. The enemy deceives you by saying things like: “You want to respect your husband, so you should agree with him so he feels respected, even if he is wrong.” So then you back down and try to be agreeable, even enabling his sin. Or the enemy says: “You want to please your wife, so you should get her whatever she wants.” So you work hard to provide but find that it’s never enough. The result: destruction. A slow dying on the inside. The stealing of your health and hope and joy.
If someone is self-interested and self-centered and they are willing to sacrifice you on the altar of self, they are not for you. Everything they do is opposed to what God calls us to: self-sacrifice, generosity, submission. If someone told you that Satan isn’t actually a bad guy, he’s just broken and doing his best, and with some relationship counseling there’s hope for him yet, would you believe them? Of course not! You know that Satan is not looking out for your best interests, and he’s not going to change. Yet that is what you may be believing about your spouse (that they just need some help and then they’ll change) when evidence points to a different conclusion: that no matter how much you’ve tried to work together toward a good relationship, nothing has made a lasting difference.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should oppose your spouse, treat them treacherously (see Malachi 2), harbor anger or bitterness or resentment, or hate them. Your spouse isn’t your enemy in terms of being someone you need to attack and destroy - and that’s not what we need to do with most enemies. Jesus said that we should not repay evil for evil. But there are some important strategies for managing enemies that you should know in order to protect yourself emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically, so let’s look at a few.
Strategies for managing enemies
Set boundaries
Probably the most important strategy in navigating relations with an enemy is to have boundaries. (If you think that boundaries contradict unity, read this). This means that you have to decide upon what is OK with you and what isn’t. And you should communicate that. Your spouse does not have to agree with your boundaries. In fact, one of the reasons you need boundaries with your spouse to begin with is because they don’t naturally consider or respect your boundaries. They may insist on sex, or they aren’t reasonable with the finances (overspending or being over-controlling), they don’t listen to understand, they disregard what you say, etc. People who respect others’ boundaries don’t usually need to be told what the boundaries are - they are naturally honoring and respectful and able to discern what’s appropriate. If your spouse doesn’t respect your boundaries intuitively, then you need to make your boundaries clear and then be sure to take steps to enforce your boundaries if necessary. [Get my conflict guide that will help you figure out how to set boundaries, communicate them, and enforce them]
Don’t get close
An enemy is not someone who you would want to know your weaknesses and the softness of your heart. If you reveal your areas of vulnerability and softness, they may use it to destroy you. If your spouse tends to exploit your conscience (makes you feel guilty so you back down) or smooth-talks their way into your heart (or bed), letting your guard down or backing down only lets the enemy in. Scripture says to be as cunning as serpents and innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16). That means that you should know what the enemy is up to and discerningly protect your innocence rather than throwing yourself to the wolves.
Don’t share sensitive information
Scripture says “don’t throw your pearls before swine or they will trample them” (Matthew 7:6). You may have an intense desire to share how you feel, but don’t do it. The reason for wanting to share your feelings and thoughts has to do with wanting your spouse to understand, and it’s not unreasonable to think that communication is the way to do that. But sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone who doesn’t care to understand them is not communication - it's a survival strategy. It's a desperate way of trying to get your need for connection met when you're with someone who refuses to connect with you. You think: "If I could just explain it better, they'll accept me, believe me, really know me, love me." But they won’t. Stop throwing your pearls before swine. Limit your communication to what they are able to handle (perhaps more along the lines of: “I’m making a pot of coffee, would you like some?”) [Read my article on the Grey Rock method of communication]
Don’t default to their narrative
Scripture says “what do light and darkness have in common?” (2 Corinthians 6:14) and “how can you drink from the cup of Christ and the cup of demons too?” (1 Corinthians 10:21). If you experience things one way and your spouse seems unable to see it from your perspective, don’t try to drink from their cup of excuses or explanations or arguments. If you spouse uses words to convince you of what they think is true (e.g. you’re too emotional, you’re not being fair, you heard them wrong, you’re assuming the worse about them, you’re not forgiving them like the Bible says to, you aren’t acting like a godly wife/husband, etc), do not believe them, and don’t take the bait they’re using to get you to turn around and come their direction. When you know what is true, the enemy will try to convince you that you are wrong and they are right. Don’t give them the honor of falling prey to their narrative.
Don’t think that you can win them over
Many people are groomed to believe that they can win their spouse over - that if they pray enough then God will reach them, that if they are gentle enough their spouse will love them, that if they set a good example their spouse will learn from it, that if they are positive and affirming enough that their spouse will rise to the level of their praise, that if they pursue their spouse they will win them over. But these are exactly the things the enemy wants you to do so that he can get his claws into you. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you can win your spouse over. It is not your job to get your spouse to change - that is your spouse’s job as they yield to the Holy Spirit. Your job is to live in the reality of the truth and follow the natural laws of relationships (and stop thinking you can break those laws without getting hurt).
Don’t get into a power struggle
The way to avoid a power struggle is to be confident that you always have the upper hand. There is nothing that your spouse can say or do that you cannot respond to in a way that allows you to keep your power. Power struggles happen when one person is trying to overpower the other and the other is trying to keep their power (or get their power back). But if you always have the power to choose how you respond, then you never have to succumb to having your power taken from you.
Identify the source of their power
What is it that allows your spouse to have power over you? Fear of divorce? Fear of their anger? Concern about being financially ruined? Fear that they will use the kids against you? When you are trying to manage what happens so that you can pursue what you want to see happen and avoid having things happen that you don’t want, your spouse can use that to keep you trapped in a situation that may never get better. Once you identify what it is that is keeping you trapped, you’ve found why they have so much power over you to keep you trying harder, and it’s then that you can be set free to do what is right.
Learn all that you can
When dealing with the enemy, it’s important to learn all you can about their tactics and why you have historically responded to them the way you have (because of wanting to avoid conflict, be comfortable, be seen as good or beyond reproach, be happy, etc). Once you understand them and yourself and the dynamic that the two of you create, you can then come up with a plan to work toward a solution - a solution that likely involves you getting your emotional needs met in a healthy way and and keeping your spouse’s responsibilty on them instead of trying to get them to grow and learn the way you are. [If you’d like to know more about what this looks like, schedule a Breakthrough Session with me, and I’ll help you get some clarity and direction]
Target their vulnerable spot
Where are they vulnerable? What fears do they have that might cause them to only go so far? Their fears are the leverage you have to get the behavioral change that will make it tolerable to live with them - and to live with them in peace. Peace doesn’t mean there’s a good, healthy, mutually edifying relationship - it just means that there is minimal conflict. And some people are able to live in peace with someone who is just in it for themselves.
Don’t play games
Testing boundaries is a universal strategy of selfish people. They want to know how much they can get away with. You might feel uncomfortable having to set and enforce boundaries. They might try to make you feel selfish or ungodly if you don’t act the way they think you should. They might act confused about why you are setting boundaries or say that you are acting “cold and distant” (or whatever accusations they make toward you). But it’s all a game. And the only way to win is to not play. Don’t take their bait. They are just trying to get you to stop getting healthier because you being emotionally well is not to their benefit in their eyes.
Learn to accept discomfort
It won’t be comfortable to have to set and enforce boundaries. It won’t be comfortable to have to say “no” when you’re being pressured, coerced, or guilt-tripped into saying “yes.” It won’t be comfortable to have to accept reality as it continues to unfold to reveal what you’re really dealing with. If you do things in order to be comfortable (like try to be compliant), then nothing is going to change. When you are complacent, you are complicit in the dysfunction. You can’t be comfortable and still achieve change. Change requires that you get uncomfortable.
Stop trying to please
Whether you’re trying to please your husband/wife or prove to your pastor that you’re a good wife/husband, stop. You will never be able to face reality when you’re entering into someone else’s fantasy about what you should be like. And you have to face reality and operate from the standpoint of what you’re currently dealing with. If you try to operate from “shoulds” or from hope that if you do something a certain way then things will get better, then you aren’t operating in reality. Instead, you are trying to please the people who tell you how you should be behaving and that there is hope if only you do it the way you should.
Don’t turn the other cheek
When your enemy is a casual stranger on the street, fine, turn the other cheek - it’s usually of no consequences to you. But when the enemy has invaded your home, you can’t keep enabling them. And God doesn’t ask you to. There’s a time for turning the other cheek and a time to stand firmly against sin. [Read my whole article on turning the other cheek]
Love your enemies
In his “Sermon on the Mount” Jesus is trying to help his listeners pivot their thinking from the legalistic way that they’d been thinking about topics like doing good deeds, fulfillment of the law, murder, adultery, divorce, oaths, justice, and enemies. He wants them to see those topics not as rules to follow that result in rewards or punishments but as an approach to life that aligns with God’s design for relationships. It’s in this sermon that Jesus tells his listeners to “love your enemies,” and people today often take that to mean that we should be gentle and kind and accommodating toward our enemies; but Jesus makes a clarifying statement as he continues to explain what he means by “love your enemies.” He says that God “causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” This is the extent of God’s show of love toward all humanity, including to those who do evil. They are what one might call “common graces.” He sends sun and rain, warmth and sustenance. These are not extra blessings or things that he goes out of his way to do - they are everyday things that all humanity is blessed with. With that as our example, loving your enemies (even a spouse who is killing, stealing, and destroying you and your marriage) means that you would still extend common graces (perhaps acknowledging their presence with a greeting, getting them coffee if you’re heading to the coffee maker anyway, or whatever you might do for a stranger - as long as you are not doing it to win their favor). You do this for your sake, not for theirs. It guards your heart against bitterness. And it demonstrates integrity and the Spirit of God living in you. What those common graces don’t include is going above and beyond for someone or blessing them beyond reason. This is how we can love our enemies without subjecting ourselves to their attempts to kill, steal, and destroy.
Stand firm and resist
Ephesians 6:10-17 tells us to stand firm in the truth when we are facing an enemy, and James 4:7 says to resist the enemy. An enemy will try to deceive you, may try to make you sound like you aren’t seeing things the right way, or may use any of these tactics against you in order to deter you from clinging to what is true. When you are facing an enemy, it’s vital that you are very clear about what is truth so that you can stand firm in that and resist anything that opposes the truth.
Believing your spouse is not your enemy
We know that there is a real enemy that is out destroy us (and marriages). But that doesn’t mean that Satan is the only enemy. So what happens if you choose to embrace the idea that your spouse is not your enemy?
You may be denying reality and depriving yourself of the first step to problem-solving: defining the problem. You need to be able to discern the truth in order to properly define what is happening in the relationship. If the reality is that, no matter how hard you try, your spouse does not seem to be wiling or able to do what it takes to live cooperatively with you, then don’t try to convince yourself otherwise - you will only be denying the truth. And when you haven’t properly defined the problem, you can’t properly solve it.
You might start to believe that they have good motives behind why they do things like criticize you, accuse you, or demand more from you. And when you believe that they have your best interest in mind, you might take their criticism, accusations, or demands seriously and try harder to change. Don’t get me wrong, we have to be able to take feedback and responsibility in order to better ourselves, but if you find yourself feeling like no matter how hard you try you’re always missing the mark, it might be because the target is always moving. A spouse who is selfish will never be fulfilled. So don’t allow yourself to keep trying to fill a holey bucket.
You might try to cooperate with someone who you can’t cooperate with. When you choose to believe that your spouse is not your enemy (when they've given every indication that they are, in fact, for themselves and not for you), then you deceive yourself into thinking that you can cooperate with them. You start to explore what else you can do to get the two of you to work together. But it's a fruitless endeavor. You've already tried to reach a mutual understanding. If it doesn't work, it doesn’t work. Accept the truth.
You would be calling evil good and putting darkness for light. Scripture warns us to be sure not to confuse the two (Isaiah 5:20). Rather we are to acknowledge the truth (John 8:44) and avoid suppressing the truth (Romans 1:18). 1 Corinthians 13:6 says that “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” even if it means becoming an enemy by telling the truth (Galatians 4:16), “for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth” (Ephesians 5:9). Because “if we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth” (1John 1:6).
So tell yourself the truth. Be willing to share the truth with others in order to get the support that you need to navigate the challenges you’re facing. And know that….. Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
Want help sorting out how to think about your spouse and navigate the relationship? Schedule a Breakthrough Session.
