Sin Is Sin (Is All Sin Equal?)
You’ll hear people say that “sin is sin” – implying that all sin is equal and that, as such, we are all equal sinners in need of grace. And the conclusion that is then drawn from that is that you need to give grace and forgiveness to others regardless of how they’ve sinned against you because God has done that for you.
When we hear that, it sounds true: all sin separates us from God, so someone else’s sin couldn’t be any worse than yours, so you have to forgive because God has forgiven you. But may I suggest that this isn’t the whole truth?
I hope to help set you free today – free from the shame that comes when you are having a hard time forgiving. Free of the lie that someone else’s sin is equal to yours. And free from the bondage in your relationship and the continual hurt that accompanies it.
So let’s jump right in and dispel the lies among those true-sounding concepts.
Sin is Sin
First of all, not all sin is equal. (Audible gasp and murmuring from the audience.) The fact is that there are two kinds of sin: sin that is repented of, and sin that isn’t. Sin that is repented of leads to reconciliation. Sin that is not repented of leads to separation.
It’s an important distinction. If you consider someone’s unrepentant sin to be just as deserving of grace and forgiveness as the sins that you repent of, you are showing grace to the wicked. But Isaiah 26:10 says “when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil.”
Unrepentant sin doesn’t receive grace and forgiveness. For those who do not repent, there is only wrath. Romans 2:5 says “because of your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself.”
God further warns us not to be in relationship with the wicked. 1 Corinthians 5:13 says “Expel the wicked person from among you” and Psalm 1 says “Blessed is he who does not walk in step with the wicked.”
And, while God’s grace is available to everyone, not everyone gets it because not everyone receives it. Proverbs 15:29 says “The Lord is far from the wicked.” And we see Jesus living this out while he was in the flesh - he ate with sinners, but they were repentant. His companions were not the unrepentant Pharisees and Sadducees. [Get my whole resource on What Would Jesus Really Do?]
Showing Grace To The Wicked
When you try to extend grace to the wicked, it is often to your own demise. Proverbs says that “like tying a stone is a sling is the giving of honor to a fool” (it goes nowhere) and that "whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse” (Proverbs 9:7). Instead of extending grace to the wicked, Proverbs 22:3 gives us some alternate advice: “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” Don’t be “simple” and overlook the danger of extending grace to the wicked.
When you show partiality to the wicked by honoring them, staying in relationship with them, or trying to be kind to them, you are also depriving yourself of justice. Proverbs 18:5 says “It is not good to be partial to the wicked and so deprive the innocent of justice.” Proverbs 24:1 says that we are not to desire the company of the wicked. God even goes so far as to say that “the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion” (Psalm 11:5).
Forgiving Everyone
“But what about the command to forgive?” you might ask, “doesn’t the Bible say we have to forgive?”
Allow me to pose a question in response to that question: Does God forgive everyone?
Your first instinct might be to say “of course God forgives everyone” – but the answer is “no, God does not forgive everyone.” If God forgave everyone, everyone who has ever lived in the entire history of the world would be in heaven – and we know that not everyone goes to heaven. When people tell you that you always have to forgive because God does, not only are they not being truthful, but they are also asking you to be more forgiving than God (as though you can do better than God can).
Who Isn’t Forgiven?
Who, then, does God not forgive? Well, he doesn’t forgive those who don’t repent. Only those who come to God in repentance, acceptance, and appreciation of his forgiveness can receive it. Those who show contempt for the kindness and patience of God are storing up wrath for themselves (Romans 2). To those who turn the grace of God into a license for immorality, their condemnation is deserved (Jude).
“Then why does God say that we must forgive?” you might ask. Just as God forgives those who comes to him in repentance, God commands us to do the same to those who come to us in repentance. He commands us not to withhold forgiveness from those who seek it. The challenge of forgiving those who have hurt us can be immense. But if someone is truly repentant, God wants us to forgive. That’s the command to forgive.
One of the most well-known examples of forgiving only those who are repentant can be found in Matthew 18. Jesus answers Peter’s question about how many times he should forgive by saying “not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (or some versions say “seventy times seven”). So let’s zoom out a bit to get some context.
Just prior to Peter’s question, Jesus has given instructions on what to do with someone who sins against you. Jesus doesn’t say to forgive. Rather, he says you should go to the person who has sinned and point out their fault - first to them alone, then with witnesses if they haven’t repented, and then to the church. And if the person doesn’t repent, Jesus says to treat them like a pagan or tax collector (keeping away from them).
He adds that whatever is not forgiven (whatever is not loosed) on earth is not forgiven/loosed in heaven. And then he adds that whenever two or three people agree that this is aligned with God’s will and character (“come together in my name”), then God is with them (they are aligned with God in their decision to forgive or not forgive).
So that is everything that comes BEFORE Jesus says to forgive seventy-seven times as an example of withholding forgiveness when their isn’t repentance.
AFTER saying that we are to forgive seventy times seven times, he tells a parable about a servant who asked for mercy from a fellow servant whom he owed money to, but the first servant refused to show mercy to the second servant or forgive him, even though the first servant himself had just been forgiven a huge debt by his master.
What did the master do when the first servant didn't forgive? The master overturned his decision to forgive and threw him into prison because he did not forgive his fellow servant. Then Jesus says “This is how your heavenly father will treat you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
There are two messages here - both sides of the same coin. One is that the story reveals that the master’s forgiveness hadn’t changed the first servant - he continued to be wicked - so the forgiveness he’d been offered was rescinded due to a lack of repentance. If your offer of forgiveness doesn’t alter someone’s heart, then you don’t need to continue to forgive. The master set an example of how to treat someone who hasn’t repented.
The other message is for those who are wicked (those who have not repented). It is that when someone asks for mercy or forgiveness and the wicked person don’t forgive them, then neither will they (the wicked) be forgiven. If someone has offered the wicked forgiveness and a chance to repent, it should change them. If it doesn’t, then they shouldn’t expect forgiveness. That first servant should have been grateful and excited to pass on the forgiveness he’d been offered, but instead he showed contempt for the master's mercy and received wrath instead. Those who have been forgiven much (and received it, as implied here) will love much. Those who don’t grasp the depth of love of the Master’s forgiveness will not love - and they will not be forgiven.
When Scripture Says That You Must Forgive
Unlike the out-of-context message that people try to give about the command to forgive over and over because Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven times, the passage in Matthew 18 brings clarity to Jesus's statement that can help us also understand other passages in Scripture on forgiveness. Scripture interprets Scripture, and we must allow it to do that.
So when we see other verses like Colossians 3:13 which says “Forgive as the Lord forgave you,” we can use our critical thinking and ask: HOW has the Lord forgiven you? And then we can look to other passages of Scripture to see the example he has set. We’ll find that the answer is that God has forgiven you as much as you have received his forgiveness and allowed it to change you (which is repentance). And for those who haven’t been changed by God’s offer of forgiveness, there is only his wrath.
We can’t neglect certain passages of Scripture or count them out because they don’t fit with the narrative that is being pushed by those who are providing counsel (the narrative of “you have to forgive”).
While there are some passages of Scripture that seem to tell us that we have to forgive everyone (such as Matthew 6:14,15 which says “If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins”), there are others that make it clear that we do not have to forgive (for example John 20:23 says “If you forgive anyone's sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven”).
Rather than choosing between the passages to decide which one to believe and follow, we can consider what we learn from Scripture that helps us to be able to understand how they can both be true - by understanding that, when it speaks of forgiving others in order to be forgiven, the command presumes that you know that it is referring to forgiving those are repentant. And those who are not repentant are not forgiven.
Forgiveness For Repentance
We see many examples in Scripture where repentance is a requirement for forgiveness:
In Luke 3, John the Baptist is preaching “repentance for the forgiveness of sins.”
Luke 17:3 says “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”
Luke 24:47 says that “repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name.”
Acts 2:38 says “Repent and be baptized… for the forgiveness of your sins.”
Acts 5:31 says “God exalted [Jesus] that he might bring Israel to repentance and forgive their sins.”
Acts 8:22 says “Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord in the hope that he may forgive you.”
Acts 26:17,18 says “I am sending you to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins.”
And 1John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us.”
The Opposite of Forgiveness
On any conversation about forgiveness, you will hear people say that unforgiveness will create bitterness, anger, hate, or resentment - and that those are other reasons that we are told that we have to forgive. People assume that if you do not forgive, then, by default, you will hold those negative emotions that will eat away at your spirit. And, to be sure, if you hold those, they will eat away at your spirit.
But the opposite of forgiveness is not hate, anger, bitterness, or resentment. Those feelings are actually the result of wanting justice and feeling helpless to see justice done. Those are holy desires when you have been sinned against. So they are not wrong - but they will eat away at you if they are not satisfied.
So how do you satisfy those desires without holding onto the feelings that will damage your spirit? You satisfy those desires and let go of those emotions by confidently transferring your desire for justice into the hands of the One who is Justice. Proverbs 11:21 says “Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished” and Exodus 34:7 says “he does not leave the guilty unpunished.”
God will bring justice. You will be vindicated. Those who have hurt you, if they never repent, will be punished. They are not getting away with anything. Release that to God and set yourself free from trying to be the judge, jury, and executioner. You don’t have the power to punish them, but God does. And he will.
When you’ve transferred your desire for justice to God, it frees you up to feel sad for them that they are so lost and broken. It creates a desire for them to be saved and a compassion for their blindness and ignorance. And it allows you to be ready to make forgiveness available to them just in case they ever repent.
Unforgiveness and Shame
What happens when you are having a hard time forgiving someone, but others in your life are trying to get you to forgive, telling you that you have to forgive in order to heal, praying over you that you would be able to forgive, or are giving you advice on why or how to forgive? Here’s what can happen: rather than feeling more capable of forgiving, you sink deeper into shame.
Feeling shame that you cannot forgive.
Feeling shame that you aren’t living up to what God wants.
You might even go so far as to question your salvation in light of the difficulty that you are having forgiving someone who has hurt you.
But take heart, daughter. Take heart, son. God wants to lift you from shame and bring you justice and righteousness (Jeremiah 9:24). He does not condemn you for your unforgiveness. Rather, he guides you deeper into understanding his character and what it takes to be made right with him.
The Purpose of Forgiveness
This brings us to the final topic regarding forgiveness: reconciliation. You will hear people say that forgiveness does not mean you have to reconcile, but Scripture reveals something different. In 2 Corinthians 5 says that God reconciled us to himself through Christ. Because Christ took the punishment for our sins, our sins can be forgiven (if we receive his gift of sacrifice). And that forgiveness takes away our separation from God so that we can be reconciled to him. The purpose of forgiveness absolutely is reconciliation. Sin separates us. Forgiveness reconciles us.
Which is, again, why repentance is vital for forgiveness. You don’t want to forgive and reconcile with someone who hasn’t repented. God doesn’t want to, either. God reconciles with those who repent and receive forgiveness.
Nuances of Forgiveness
Hopefully this has helped you understand forgiveness better and made it possible for you to let go of any anger, bitterness, hatred, or resentment - and the shame you may have been carrying as a result of your struggle against unforgiveness.
But there are a few other nuances I want to address before I end, because they are other questions that come up when someone is being told to forgive.
Are some sins too big to forgive?
The first question is a bit rhetorical: When it comes to the requirement to forgive, some sins just seem too big to forgive, so do all sins really count toward the command to forgive?
It’s easy for people to tell you that you have to forgive when they’ve never experienced being sinned against in such severe ways as you have. Do they really get to tell you that you have to forgive when they haven’t been through what you’ve been through?
Sometimes people who command that you forgive start to realize that it’s a big ask considering what you’ve been through, so they start trying to justify their statements about forgiveness in an attempt to avoid discounting your pain while also continuing to try to make their narrative of “you have to forgive” make sense. They start saying things like:
“Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to forget”
But if it’s true that forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget, how does a person go about “not forgetting/remembering” the sin while also not holding onto unforgiveness? Right? That’s hard, because when you remember the sin, as long as it’s still there and not repented of, it seems just and right to not let go of it. That is because, biblically, forgiveness is forgetting. Hebrews 8:12 says that when God forgives, he remembers our sins no more.
“Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation”
Another justification that people use to support their push for forgiveness without repentance is that “forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to reconcile.”
But if forgiveness doesn’t lead to reconciliation, then you might wonder: “What’s the point of forgiving, then? Why not just let the unforgivness serve as a boundary of protection from that person if we are not going to reconcile anyway?” Exactly. Which is why biblical forgive does mean reconciliation.
“Unforgiveness mean you are holding onto anger”
The forgiveness-pusher will answer your question above (“what is the point of forgiving?”) by claiming that the point of forgiveness is to avoid holding onto feelings like anger, bitterness, resentment, and hatred. But that contradicts their stance on forgiveness and feelings… read on.
“Forgiveness isn’t a feeling”
Those who say that unforgiveness means you are holding onto negative feelings will also say that “forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s a decision.” They say that you can’t wait until you feel like forgiving someone before you forgive them. But If forgiveness isn’t a feeling (and it isn’t), then neither is unforgiveness. So those feelings of anger and bitterness that they claim you will be holding onto if you don’t forgive don’t come from unforgiveness - because if forgiveness is not a feeling, then neither is unforgiveness. And, in fact, those feelings of anger and bitterness don’t come from unforgivness - they come from a godly desire for justice to be done and for sin to punished.
“Forgiveness doesn’t set the other person free - it sets you free”
And then forgiveness-pushers move on to claiming that “the point of forgiveness isn’t to set the other person free, it’s to set you free.”
Is it though? Is that what the Bible teaches? The truth can be found in the example that God sets: when God forgives us, it doesn’t set him free - it sets us, the forgiven, free. Forgiveness is for the purpose of setting the forgiven free. If we want to be set free, it’s not our forgiveness toward others that does that; it’s our willingness to transfer the power to meet out justice from ourselves to God.
As you can see, it starts getting confusing when people start trying to explain forgiveness without a biblical understanding of it. But once it is truly understood, it all makes sense.
What if the sinner is a parent?
The Bible says to honor your father and mother, but how do you do that when it’s a parent that has sinned against you, particularly through something as harmful as abuse? Some people believe that they have to brush aside their hurt in order to honor their parent, even to the extent that they might bring a parent into their home to care for them as they age. Yet this is not what God intended when he said to honor your father and mother.
God gave the command to honor your father and mother as an encouragement for children to learn from wise parents how to live according to his will as they grow up. We know that this was the intention and purpose of the command because the command comes with a promise: that it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life.
If your parents did you harm instead of good, if they were not wise in how they raised you, then you will not be living a life that goes well for you. Harm in childhood leads to major challenges in adulthood. Because of this fact, we can be sure that the command was not intended to encourage you to stay in relationship with parents who did you harm and have not repented of it.
So many adult children feel guilty for not honoring dishonorable parents and think that, somehow, if they are nice to their parents as they get older, then they will be fulfilling the command of God. But if God had intended that, the promise would not have been “that it may go well with you.” Because that result doesn’t match reality.
We also know that the command was not for those whose parents have harmed them, because God does not want us to be in bondage, which is exactly what would happen if you were to stay in relationship with a parent who has sinned against you and not repented. Galatians says that it is for freedom that we have been set free, so do not be burdened again by a yoke of bondage. Jesus said that none of God’s commands are to be a heavy burden. He condemned the teachers of the law for tying up heavy loads on people and not lifting a finger to help them (Matthew 23), and he invites us to go to him when we are weary and heavy-laden, and he will give us rest, for his yoke (his law) is easy, and his burden is light (Matthew 11:30).
Then what does it look like to honor a parent who has hurt you? Read my article on honoring parents who are dishonorable.
What if the sinner is a spouse?
It’s important to note that being married doesn’t mean that you throw out the parts of Scripture that seem to not address marriage directly just because you’re married. Scripture has a lot of guidance about how to do relationships, and marriage relationships don’t get special passes for a spouse to be able to get away with more wickedness just because you’ve committed yourself to a relationship with someone who is unrepentant.
When Scripture says that we should not have anything to do with wicked people, that doesn’t mean “except unless you are married to them.” It means “don’t have anything to do with wicked people.” Bad company corrupts good character.
Scripture also says “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, 15). That isn’t just a warning about being careful ahead of time not to be yoked together with an unbeliever, it’s also a warning in the midst of a relationship not to be yoked together. There truly can be no fellowship or harmony with an unbeliever. [Read this article if your spouse says they are a believer but their behavior does not align with godliness]
“But don’t you have to forgive in order to live in peace?” you might ask. The answer is “no” - because forgiveness is not what brings peace - boundaries do. Think about how peace happens internationally - it doesn’t happen because countries are lenient with each other and allow other countries to walk on them. Peace happens when the rules are made clear and agreed upon and there are consequences (sanctions) when the rules aren’t followed in order to compel the countries to follow the rules. The same goes for relationships. To learn more, read my article about what it looks like to be a peaceMAKER (instead of just a peaceKEEPER).
And don’t forget that choosing not to forgive doesn’t mean you are living in bitterness and resentment with a spouse - it just means that you are calmly and patiently waiting for repentance before reconciliation can happen. In the meantime, you live aligned with the reality of what your relationship is like.
What if it’s been a long time since the sin happened?
Some people will tell you that if it’s been a long time since the sin happened then a sufficient amount of time has passed that should allow you to forgive them. But again, forgiveness is not based on our feelings or on how long it's been since you’ve been sinned against. Forgiveness is based on whether someone has repented or not. So if someone demonstrates that they haven’t changed and there is no reason to believe that they are safe to be around without the risk of being hurt again (emotionally or otherwise), then there is no reason to forgive or reconcile or act like you’re over it. Proverbs 24:1 “Do not desire the company of the wicked” for “the Lord’s curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the home of the righteous” (Proverbs 3:33).
Summary on Sin and Forgiveness:
Not all sin is equal - so not all sin is required to be forgiven (only sin that is repented of)
We do not have to give grace to the wicked
Forgiveness is for the repentant
The purpose of forgiveness is reconciliation
The opposite of forgiveness is not anger, bitterness, hate, and resentment
And when we satisfy our holy desire for justice by transferring the responsibility for it from you to God, you will find that you have changed. You will find that you are able to let go of the bitterness, anger, hate, and resentment. You will find that you become ready to forgive if they ever repent. And you will experience a change as you discover that….
Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
Want to talk about how to handle someone sin against you?
