What Is Truth? (And How Is It Important For Your Marriage?)
What is truth? It’s the question that Pilate posed to Jesus while Jesus was on trial. And it’s an important question. Pilate didn’t wait around for the answer, but Jesus had previously given it during his ministry. He said “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” The life Jesus lived and the way he taught were demonstrations of what “truth” looks like - and they were the objective measure of reality. Following are some ways that we can discern truth based on how Jesus demonstrated it to us.
What is Truth?
Truth is what aligns with reality
In the very same passage where Jesus says that he is the way, the truth, and the life, he explains that the only way to the Father is through him. While many people make up other ways to be united to a god or to get to heaven or to live forever, the reality is that there is only one way: Jesus. People can claim that there is more than one truth regarding this, but that doesn’t align with reality. The One who created the universe has made it clear that the reality is that there is only one way to get to heaven.
This principle applies to everything that Jesus said. He made clear for us what is real - and we need to know him in order to live aligned with his character. God warns us to be careful that we discern the spirit of deceit from the Spirit of Truth. The Holy Spirit reminds us of what Jesus said and guides us into all truth.
Truth is discerned by motive, not intention
Another way to find out what is true about someone or about a situation is to discern motive as you observe a person’s objective words and actions. Is someone doing what they are doing with the motive of being legalistic or do they have a sincere desire for the things of God? In Isaiah 29 the Lord says: “These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.” (And Jesus repeats this in Matthew 15:8 and Mark 7:6). While someone may say that their intention is to do good - or while you may want to believe that they have good intentions - it isn’t intention that dictates reality, it’s what is in a person’s heart (their motive). Jesus said that “out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.”
Truth is what is present (not future)
Sometimes people make decisions in their relationships based on fear or hope. When you make decisions based on fear or hope, you are not living in truth/reality - you are trying to control the future. But truth is what can be observed in the present - not what is hoped for in the future.
To interact based on fear means “I don’t want such and such a thing to happen, so I’m going to do (or not do) this or that.” It may look like trying not to upset your spouse and trying to make them happy. You are afraid they will be displeased with you, so you try to please them. You are afraid they will get angry, so you tiptoe around, walking on eggshells trying not to do anything wrong. It's your way of trying to manage your spouse's emotions. You might also be afraid of what will happen if you set boundaries, say “no” to sex, or file for divorce - and because of that fear you shrink back from doing any of that. Instead, you remain compliant or complacent or decide to try harder and pray.
To interact based on hope means that you say to yourself “I believe things will get better, so I’m going to do (or not do) this or that.” Rather than responding to your spouse's behavior at face value, you act as though things are not as they are. You hope that if you're gracious, they'll be gracious, too. You hope that if your listen to them, they'll listen to you, too. You hope that if you value them, they'll value you, too. But they don't. Time after time they don't. But you keep hoping and trying. You are trying to control the outcome - you're hoping that your behavior will make a difference.
When you interact based on fear or hope, you ignore the truth.
The truth, when you are interacting based on fear, is that you are not responsible for your spouse's emotions. And if you keep trying to be, that also makes you responsible, by default, when they aren't feeling good or happy or successful - and then it's your fault.
The truth, when you are interacting based on hope, is that you are ignoring the truth about your spouse. You are trying to get them to care, but if their behavior indicates that they don't care, then they don't. You are trying to get them to listen, but if their behavior indicates that they aren't actually listening, then they're not. And they won't. Or you look for signs that things are getting better, hope for change, or believe in what God can do. All the while you’re ignoring the reality that your spouse isn’t actually changing.
The key to health interactions is to base your words and behavior on reality/truth, not on fear or hope. You can't control the truth of a situation by being fearful or hopeful. However, you CAN impact the dynamic in your marriage by interacting based on truth. [Find out more about what that looks like by scheduling a Breakthrough Session]
God does not ask you to do something that doesn’t align with the truth. He doesn’t tell you to ignore what’s happening in the present in favor of living on the hope that things will get better. He also doesn’t give signs that contradict truth. Sometimes people look for signs of what they think God wants them to do, and they’ll say things like “I’m getting signs that God wants me to stay in my marriage and keep praying for my [abusive] husband,” or they’ll say “God told me I should apologize to my spouse even though what I did was small and what my spouse did (that he/she won’t apologize for) was big,” or they’ll say “God told me to go into business with my spouse even though I’m the one who will end up doing all the work while he reaps the benefits.”
But the truth in those situations is that if what you think God told you to do will bring harm (not just hurt, which is feelings, but harm, which is true damage), then he didn’t tell you to do it. Doing something that yields harm is the opposite of what God wants for us. He tells us to do what is good. And if what you think God is telling you to do goes against the natural laws of relationships that God created, then it might not be God telling you to do those things. It might be the voice that you think is God because you think that God is the God of tomorrow, the God of future miracles, the God who tells you that suffering is good. But God doesn’t honor the suffering that comes with your participation in enabling someone’s sin or your when you work against your own personal growth and maturity in Christ. [Note: that’s not to say that sometimes God doesn’t allow us to make choices that will bring suffering but ultimately lead to our good and his glory.] In fact, if you’re looking for a sign that you’re doing what God wants you to do, those signs usually follow action, they don’t precede it. So, do what is in alignment with the truth and watch how God affirms it.
Truth is what God says
The teachers of the law said to the man who was healed at the pool of Bethesda (John 5): “you can’t carry your mat on the sabbath.” But the man who was healed said (paraphrasing): “I hear what you’re saying, but the man who healed me told me to pick up my mat.” Sometimes pastors or Christian mentors will tell a person what they can’t do: they can’t divorce, they can’t set that boundary, they can’t say anything negative, etc. But the One who heals tells you something different. For example, the One who heals says “I tell you the truth, no one who has left (the word “left” is the same Greek word as “divorce” in 1 Corinthians 7) home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and in the age to come, eternal life” (Luke 18:20). So, when a pastor or book or other authoritative voice tells you what “God says,” make sure that you go to the authority of Scripture to see if God is actually telling you something else.
Truth is what God does
We often hear teaching about how Jesus was loving and gentle and kind to everyone - but the Pharisees, Sadducees, and teachers of the law would disagree. So would the disciples who saw him in action. [Get my resource on What Would Jesus Really Do] Not that Jesus didn’t love - he did - but love didn’t look the way many people think it should look. It’s vitally important that we understand the fullness of love so that we don’t confuse it with forgiveness, grace, and other “feel-good” choices that only serve to enable someone’s sin. We can follow Jesus’s example (and the example of the Father) by loving not only when it’s tough, but sometimes with “tough love.”
Truth is the whole counsel of God as the authoritative standard of what is right
It’s comfy to use Scripture to encourage things that feel warm and cozy: love your neighbor as yourself, give to the poor, welcome everyone, don’t get angry, put others first, always forgive… but that’s just the “nice” side of God’s character. God is generous and merciful and compassionate - but he is also just and bold and has boundaries. He also tells you that sometimes you shouldn’t eat with sinners, that sometimes you should expel an immoral person, that sometimes you should speak the truth even if you make enemies, that you don’t always have to forgive, and that you don’t always have to turn the other cheek. [Get my resource on What Would Jesus Really Do]
It’s vital that we not limit our focus of God’s word to what feels like what we “should” do because it feels good; but, rather,, seek the whole counsel of God to understand that, as God judges what is right based on the situation, our response to a situation also needs to be discerned - and what is needed doesn’t always feel nice or comfy.
Truth is self-evident
God created the world in an organized way. He took chaos and created order. Therefore, we can learn and understand how the world works. This applies to relationships as much as it applies to physics. For example: the law of gravity is predictable (things are drawn to the earth - if you throw a ball up, it comes down). And if you try to break the law of gravity, you learn the truth (picture someone flapping their arms in an attempt to fly off the top of a tall building). God also has laws for the way relationships work. These laws are based on his own character (his boundaries/commands and the consequences of breaking them) and are meant to be adhered to. If we try to break those laws, we get hurt because we find ourselves fighting against the truth. Hurt can be the natural consequences of our actions. And it reveals what is true. Results speak for themselves - especially long-term results. So if you’ve been trying to fight reality for a long time and are finding that it isn’t working - the results speak for themselves: if you’re working it and it isn’t working, it doesn’t work. Accept the truth.
Truth is honesty
Sometimes people justify staying in a destructive relationship because it's fulfilling a deep unmet need:
the need to fix/help someone
the need to feel loved (if only for brief moments)
the need to prove their commitment
the need to be seen as good or right
the need to avoid the fear of feeling rejected
If your justification for tolerating your spouse’s behavior has to do with trying to get an emotional need met, you're living in a fantasy world where those needs are actually not getting met. Truth is being able to honestly admit the real reason for behavior without using reasons as excuses. Stop pretending that you can tolerate sin or that it's going to get better. Tell yourself the truth.
The same goes for how you think about your spouse: you might tend to justify their behavior because they’ve had a difficult past or because you can admit that you aren’t perfect either or because you think you could try harder. But justifications are just ways of pretending that what is real is not what dictates truth but, rather, what you want reality to be - that what “should” be true dictates truth. But just because something should be a certain way, that doesn’t mean that’s the reality - and you don’t need to live your life like what “should be” is the reality.
Truth is revealed by fruit not by words
Talk is cheap and, as a reminder, results speak for themselves. Someone might say one thing (that they love you, that they’re trying, or that they’re a Christian), but their their fruit reveals another. For example, they might say that they’re a Christian - they might even quote the Bible or lead a Bible study or go to church - but the fruit of their life is “sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like” (Galatians 5:19-21). The book of Galatians says that the acts of the flesh are obvious, but the fruit of the Spirit (of someone who has the Spirit of God living in them…. the definition of a Christian) is “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Don’t be deceived by someone’s words or by the narrative they try to portray. If someone says they are “trying” to be better but they’re not actually getting better, believe their fruit. If someone says they are sorry but they don’t change their ways, believe that they aren’t really sorry. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit.
How is truth important to your marriage?
Truth is important to your marriage because it helps you love well - not necessarily in a touchy-feely way, but in a way that is real and good and aligned with the way God does relationships.
Truth keeps things real - and reality holds people accountable. If the reality is that your spouse is not nice, you can’t live in a fantasy world where if you pray long enough and keep trying harder it all works out in the end, because fantasy-thinking doesn’t make things work out, dealing with reality does. Consequences are a reality check. Consequences are accountability. Consequences are real.
Truth also helps you stay in the reality of your present. It’s easy to get focused on your hope for the future as though that is reality, clinging to it like you’re going to make it happen. But the reality of your present isn’t influenced by your hopes for the future. For example: if your hope for a future is a good marriage and you interact today (in your difficult marriage) the way you hope to be able to interact one day when your marriage is good, you aren’t going to get the results you would get if your marriage was actually good right now today. In fact, you’ll likely get the opposite results, because your reality today dictates that you, for example, can’t overlook your spouse’s difficult behavior without enabling it. If your marriage was good, then overlooking the occasional misstep would be loving, but in your current reality, your complacency makes you complicit.
Truth also helps your marriage because it shapes you to align with the character of God. When you face the truth, you also face the decisions that have to be made in accordance with it, and to make those decisions wisely you need to look to God to guide you and teach you. As he does that, your character grows to become more aligned with his.
Truth also helps us get honest with ourselves which inevitably has an influence on the dynamic that occurs in the marriage. As you grow and change, the dynamic in your marriage has to shift because you aren’t taking the same roads anymore.
And as you reorient yourself to the truth, you will find that….. Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
Need help discerning the truth? Get some clarity with a Breakthrough Session.
