Restoring A Relationship With An Adult Child (When There is Estrangement)
For various reasons, a person might find themselves in a position in which they have lost a good relationship with their adult child. Perhaps you were the victim of parental alienation. Or maybe you just weren’t the parent your child needed you to be. Or perhaps your child simply rebelled and the relationship suffered.
When a relationship with your adult child is strained or non-existent, it can be hard to know how to begin in order to rebuild it. But the most important question might not be how to rebuild it, but when to rebuild it.
When To Rebuild A Relationship
The most important factor in your ability to rebuild a relationship is whether you are emotionally healthy yourself. This is the “when.” You aren’t going to succeed at restoring a relationship until you are emotionally capable of pursuing and maintaining a relationship.
Here’s why.
If your prior relationship with your child was marked by control, anger, absenteeism, poor boundaries, lack of support, invalidation, or any other behaviors that demonstrated your own emotional immaturity and inability as a parent to instill in your child a sense of strength, significance, and security, then your adult child may look for signs that you can demonstrate growth in those areas before they will be willing to consider a relationship with you. Emotional maturity is absolutely necessary for good relationships.
What are some signs of emotional maturity?
The ability to be fully present with the thoughts and feelings of your adult child without diminishing them or bringing up your own thoughts and feelings
Being able to see, understand, and validate their perspective
Showing a genuine interest in how your past behavior has impacted your adult child [read my article on reconciliation]
The ability to accept feedback without getting defensive or dismissive
A willingness to take full responsibility for your actions, even if other people who may have been at fault don’t
The ability to take full responsibility for the restoration of the relationship (as far as it depends on you) without shifting blame for your ability or inability to do that onto someone else (whether the adult child or the child’s mother or the child’s other influences)
A demonstration of your willingness to sacrifice in order to make what is important to them important to you (e.g. being willing to sacrifice your time or money to go see them or support them or show them that they are important to you in a way that is important to them)
Being able to give your love, time, apologies, money, affirmation, etc. unconditionally (without expecting anything in return)
The ability to accept and adapt to reality instead of insisting that reality adapt to you (no longer using the word “should” or “shouldn’t”)
A willingness to give others the freedom to think differently without criticizing them or insisting that they see it your way
The ability to communicate boundaries that they will see as reasonable
[Get my entire resource on emotional maturity]
The reason that this step of emotional maturity is important is because your children were hurt by your emotional immaturity before, and they won’t want to get hurt again, so they’ll need to see that you are a different person than you were when you hurt them. They’ll want to see that you can handle adult relationships and be mature. This is the necessary step before attempting to rebuild your relationship with them. It will build the bridge that allows you to start building trust.
How to Rebuild a Relationship
When you have the emotional maturity to be able to successfully navigate adult relationships, here’s what it might look like in real time to invite your adult child to begin rebuilding. You might say to them: I want to know what I’ve done that hurt you. I want to hear how you’ve experienced things. I’m not going to interrupt or disagree with you or defend myself or blame or argue or share my perspective. And everything that you said I’ve done, I’m going to take responsibility for it and work to be different to show you that I’ve changed. I don’t expect you to trust me right away. I expect you to observe and be cautious, and I’m OK with that. Take as much time as you need. We’re only going to talk about your side and your experience - we’re not going to talk about how I feel or my experience. I want to hear you. I want to understand. And if I ever say anything that doesn’t feel open or nonjudgmental, please let me know. Do you feel comfortable doing that?
Then listen to them.
Don’t allow yourself to feel offended by their experiences. (If you haven’t read the book “The Bait of Satan” you should read it).
Pivot your thinking when you feel the urge to contradict their experience or defend yourself. Remind yourself that they have a right to their experience. Don’t make it about you - it’s about them.
Ask them “what do you need from me?” and then do it without complaining about it or judging it.
Ask them how often you can check in with them. Then respect their boundary.
That’s how you get started.
Even if they don’t want to talk to you - write letters, leave gifts. Just be sure you are respecting their boundaries. If they tell you stop, then stop. If what you’re doing could be considered stalking, don’t do it (this may be obvious to some people but not to others).
How the Relationship Changes
If you haven’t had a trusting relationship with your child in a long time, know that the relationship has changed. You can no longer see yourself as the parent who will try to influence them. You are simply another adult in their life with whom they are trying to discern whether you can be trusted with their time and their heart. They are not your child anymore - they are another adult whom God loves and whom you have to get to know.
If they are making choices (related either to you or to their own lives) that you don’t like, you have to be willing to let them make those choices without communicating disappointment or anger or disgust or judgement. When you do that, you will know how God feels when he lets you make choices that he knows aren’t good for you or that he doesn’t like. It’s a good perspective to have. It lends itself to humility. It helps you see yourself rightly in light of who God is.
If they check out of your life, simply check in with them every so often to remind them that you love them (with a card, a letter, or a gift). And remember that “love does no harm” (Romans 13:10) and there is freedom in love. Do NOT remind them of their behavior that you don’t like. Do NOT make them responsible for repairing the relationship. And do NOT make the relationship contingent on them doing what you want them to do or thinking the way you want them to think. All of these will be signs to them that you still are not safe to be in relationship with.
And when you are the one who does the changing, you will start to see that…… hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
Need some advice on how to restore a relationship with an adult child? Schedule a Breakthrough Session below.
