Do Narcissists Know What They’re Doing?
Do they know what they’re doing? This is a common question from those who are bewildered by their spouse’s narcissistic behavior. You want to know: are they doing it on purpose or do they truly not know what they are doing?
Narcissists Who Know Exactly What They’re Doing
To be sure there are some people who definitely know what they are doing, but they don’t think it will ever catch up to them - they don’t think they’ll ever experience consequences for it because they’ve gotten away with it for so long. When someone is doing wrong in really obvious ways: they are scamming people financially, they are cheating sexually, they are physically or sexually abusive, they are breaking the law - they know what they are doing. They just don’t think they’ll ever get in trouble for it.
This version of narcissism might manifest as:
Intentionally being dishonest or cheating others
Believing that they are above the law
Laughing at or demeaning others
Acting arrogant
Taking advantage of others
Calculated manipulation
Appearing extremely intelligent and capable
Using charm and empathy to prey on others
Acting kind to someone’s face but demeaning them behind their back
It can be intimidating to be around people like this. They instill fear and it seems that they will always win and get their way. It can feel unfair that they will never experience the consequences of their hurtful actions. Psalm 94:3-7 says “How long, LORD, will the wicked, how long will the wicked be jubilant? They pour out arrogant words; all the evildoers are full of boasting. They crush your people, LORD; they oppress your inheritance. They slay the widow and the foreigner; they murder the fatherless. They say, ‘The LORD does not see; the God of Jacob takes no notice’.”
But Scripture says that they won’t get away with it forever. While they don't think they will get caught, it will eventually catch up to them. At the end of Psalm 94 it says “[God] will repay them for their sins and destroy them for their wickedness.” Justice is ultimately served.
[People in this category can be particularly difficult to forgive, so be sure to read my article on sin and forgiveness]
Narcissists Who Are Self-Deceived
Then there are those who are self-deceived. They truly believe they are doing the right thing and have no concept of the impact that their behavior is having on others. You can detect this kind of person by their arrogant self-righteousness and/or their false humility.
It might look like this:
They are demanding because they “want you to do what is right”
They are not good problem-solvers (they don’t seem to be able to think outside the box)
They seem unwilling to take initiative (they don’t really work toward positive change, even if they say they do)
Their thinking is very black and white (there’s a right way and wrong way to do everything)
But….. those standards only apply to you, not to them (double standards for everything)
They don’t appreciate you
They seem either oblivious to your feelings or unable to handle them
They lie and gaslight to avoid being called out
[Get all 40+ tactics with my free resource]
Scripture talks about people like this in 2 Timothy 3: they are “lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power - always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.”
They will do things that look godly: going to church, reading the Bible, helping others.… but it doesn’t translate into good fruit. As Scripture also says “they clean the outside of the cup, but on the inside they are full of filth.”
2 Timothy 3 gives advice about how to deal with them: “Have nothing to do with such people.”
[Read my whole article on 3 Tips From the Bible On Dealing With Narcissists)
Two Kinds Of Self-Deception
Believing They Can Do No Wrong
In this group of those who are self-deceived and don’t truly know what they are doing, there are different ways that this self-deception shows itself. For some, they are so self-deceived that they can do no wrong - they can’t concede that they have sinned or hurt you. So when you bring up something that you want to talk about, they turn on you and defend themselves to the hilt. They won’t listen to anything you have to say. They deflect and blame and accuse. [If you haven’t gotten it yet, get all 40+ tactics that they use]
They are people who might talk about Scripture but don’t really know the God they are talking about. This is evidenced by the way they treat you. Jesus said “they will know you are my disciples by your love.” But love is not evident in their interactions with you. They are authoritarian. They have strict standards that they impose on others but often don’t follow themselves. They back up their behavior by quoting Scripture about submission, godliness, and being the leader or head of the home. They often move to anger quickly as a mechanism for getting others to comply with their demands or to get them to back off from disagreeing with them. And there is no love.
It’s hard to get through to someone who isn’t willing to accept feedback or self-reflect. No matter how well you try to communicate, they don’t seem to get it. At some point, you have to face the fact that you are not just trying to get them to understand you, you are trying to get them to be someone they are not.
It’s hard to accept someone for who they really are when they aren’t who you want them to be (or they aren’t who they say they are). But you have to accept the reality of who they are or the struggle will never end. If you try to ignore that reality, you will always be operating from what you believe their potential is - and you’ll be wasting your time and energy, because that is a version of them that only exists in your imagination. Proverbs 27:23 says “Though grind a fool in a mortar, grinding him like grain with a pestle, you will not remove his folly from him.”
They’re OK If You’re OK With Them
The other version of self-deception comes when they think they are doing OK as long as you are OK with them and don’t say anything. But as soon as you reveal that you aren’t completely happy with the way things are, instead of turning on you, they turn on themselves. When called out, they might show what looks like humility and accountability
They might start self-degrading (saying “yeah, I know I have a long way to go; I have a lot to work on”).
They might cry and say things like “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it” - but things don’t change.
They might say they are working on it or promise to do better.
They might seem to know all the ways they are messing up - but they can’t seem to do anything about it.
And as you fall for their displays of false humility, they don’t ever have to actually change, because what they’re doing is working. They’ve gotten you to believe that they are trying or they’re sorry - and that’s all they need to do. They don’t actually have to do anything differently. Their words are enough for you… for now….. until next time…. When all they have to do is use more words.
This version of narcissists is particularly hard to set boundaries with because, for the empaths they are with, they look so sincere and pitiful, tugging at your heartstrings and your feelings of compassion for them. It makes an empathetic person think “they really feel bad about their behavior” and, sometimes “they are so pathetic - they wouldn’t make it without me.”
They are like children who have never grown up. But, unlike children who need nurturing and guidance to grow up, adult children need the experience of having to live life on life terms in order to grow up. [Be sure to read my whole article on what to do if your spouse is like a child for an understanding of how they got that way and how to navigate it]
Whether They Know What They’re Doing Or Not
What this all comes down to is not so much whether they know what they are doing or not but, instead, what the effect is on you. I know that you feel like, if you knew whether they were doing it on purpose, then you could know the right approach to take to get through to them. If they ARE doing it in purpose and know what they are doing, then it’s easy to write them off and accept that they are mean and won’t change. But if they aren’t doing it on purpose and they don’t really know what they’re doing, then all you have to do is help them get it, help them understand, and then things will be better. But that’s not how it works. Even people who don’t know what they’re doing are not going to change. The reason they don’t know what they’re doing is that they don’t want to know, so trying to explain it to them and help them see it is not actually going to bring about the insight and change that you want to see.
Need to know what your options are at this point? Schedule a Breakthrough Session to get clarity and guidance tailored to your exact situation. Because hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
