Before Giving Up On Your Marriage, Try This First
If you feel like you just can’t take any more – any more tension in your marriage, any more disrespect from your spouse, any more disengagement or indifference in the relationship, any more criticism, any more lack of effort – you might be wondering whether your marriage is going to last. And you might be right in that your spouse’s actions have made it clear that they’re not interested in doing marriage with you. But before you move forward with separation or divorce, check yourself to be sure that you’ve made every effort to navigate the challenges of your relationship in a healthy way. Here are some things to be sure you’ve been doing:
Communicate honestly
When the communication dynamic isn’t healthy, even when you try, it’s easy to start using passive-aggressive responses:
sarcasm (“oh, of course, you’re the leader”)
the silent treatment (ignoring in order to punish someone)
vengeance (trying to make them feel the way they make you feel)
dishonesty (not being truthful about why you did or didn’t do something, especially if the truth might hurt your spouse’s feelings or they might get angry)
withholding affection as a means of punishment
feigned agreement (“do whatever you want”)
It can become natural to feel defensive or want to make the other person see their own inadequacies, especially if you have a history of being criticized, feeling disregarded or unheard, or getting blamed for bringing up concerns. But it’s important to communicate honestly, even if it might hurt the other person’s feelings and even if the other person won’t take well to your forthrightness. Remember, you are not responsible for how other people react to things you say when you are communicating in a healthy way – their response is their responsibility. [Click here to read over 40 tactics your spouse might use if they don’t want to take responsibility]
What does healthy communication look like? It’s always about speaking the truth in love. In doing so, it’s important to remember that healthy communication doesn’t have the goal of influencing the other person to see your perspective. Healthy communication is, instead, about communicating your perspective and then observing the other person’s response, not trying to manipulate how they respond. Here’s how to do that:
Use “I feel statements”
Using "I feel" statements when engaging in discussion with someone is a powerful tool for diffusing tension between two people that could otherwise escalate into a heated argument or conflict. "I feel” statements help you stay calmer because identifying how you feel actually calms down your nervous system so that you don't react emotionally. Here's why:
Your brain has a rational thinking part that I call the "thinking brain." This thinking brain can think through problems, plan, and make good choices. Your brain also has an emotional, reactive part (the “emotional brain"). This is the survival part of your brain where the fight/flight/freeze response comes from - it’s impulsive and emotional.
Both of these parts are good, but when your brain is stuck in the emotional brain, it blocks access to the thinking brain and you can't think clearly - you can only react or suppress a reaction. However, if you give a name to your emotions, you open up the passage to your thinking brain and connect those two parts of the brain so that they can work together to solve problems.
Using "I feel" statements during a discussion also steers you away from blaming, accusing, or attacking the other person. It keeps you in touch with what YOU can control: your emotions and your responses. When you avoid blaming and attacking the other person, the discussion can proceed in a manner that is effective to solving the problem instead of turning into a mud-slinging match.
"I feel" statements can also be helpful is when you are trying to sort something out in your life. By using "I feel" statements with yourself, you gain a greater sense of clarity and power because naming how you feel makes the problem more concrete. By contrast, when you don’t know what you are feeling, it leaves you helpless to act because you don't know what you're working with.
So, what are “I feel statements”? They are statements that follow the script of “I feel (insert a word that names a feeling – NOT the word “like” or “that” – an actual feeling) when (state what happens that leads to you feeling that way). I would like (insert what you would like to happen instead).” Here’s an example of what that might sound like: “I feel devalued when I give you feedback in order to help you. I would like you to thoughtfully consider the things I have to say.” Another example: “I feel misunderstood when I’m trying to do the right thing and I get criticized. I would like to have the freedom to make decisions without being criticized for them.” Or “I feel exasperated when I don’t get your support. I would like you to back me when…”
Take note, however, that just because you are communicating in a healthy way doesn’t mean that the other person will automatically respond appropriately. If they don’t respect the way you are feeling or what you are saying, it’s not your job to try to change their response or try to get them to understand, it’s simply something for you to observe and then use as information to determine how you will respond. [Get my resource on setting boundaries to learn the next step if healthy communication doesn’t work]
Focus on the results
Don’t talk about the other person’s words or behavior, because that can be construed as criticism of what they’re doing or saying. Instead, talk about the effect their behavior and words have. For example, instead of saying “why do you have to talk to me like that?” or “stop yelling” try saying “that felt condescending, can you say that a different way?” When you make people aware of the impact that their words and behavior are having, you give them an opportunity to shift. When you say things in a way that feel critical, they’re more likely to build a wall to defend themselves or to go on the offensive and attack you back.
Don’t give others authority they don’t have
You may have said things like “he makes me so mad” or “he makes me feel guilty” - but other people can’t MAKE you feel a certain way - at least not without your permission. They can’t make you feel guilty. They can’t make you mad. They can’t make you feel dumb. They can try, but if they lob something your way, that doesn’t mean that you have to receive it. Remembering that you are in charge of how you feel can help separate what they’re throwing at you from how you receive it. When someone says or does things that seem intentional to provoke you to anger or guilt or to feeling less-than, say to yourself “that’s interesting” instead of allowing it to provoke you. Observe it instead of receiving it. And feel free to agree with them, which might be the opposite of the response they expect. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty by saying “you do things for everyone else but you can’t do this for me?” You might be tempted to defend yourself and say “I do things for you” or you might be tempted to try to reason with them as to why you won’t do the things they’re asking in hopes that they will understand or agree. But instead, you can simply say “yes, you’re right, I won’t do this for you.” Don’t get on the defensive. You aren’t in charge of how others feel or think. You are responsible for communicating what you think and feel.
Be self-controlled
Use a slow, gentle, intentional tone even if the other person is heated. It’s hard for a conflict to escalate when one person is remaining calm. Scripture says that “harsh words stir up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath.” Try practicing this: the more heated an argument gets, the quieter and slower your responses become.
Body Language speaks volumes
Pay attention to your body language. Rolling your eyes, sighing, or expressing emotion (glaring, crying, arm-waving, etc.) can be just as disruptive to healthy communication as tone of voice and word choice. Stay calm, cool, and collected. The control you have over your body will affect the response of your mind and emotions.
Focus on the problem and the solution
Often, the problem gets buried in the peripheral issues that stem from how the problem is getting handled. The problem might be that one person disagrees with what the other did, but the conversation and argument becomes about how the other person communicated their displeasure with it, why they’re yelling, how they’re acting, etc. When you lose sight of the problem, take a time out and identify what the problem really is – and be sure to dig deep. Sometimes what looks like the problem is just the surface issue that points to something deeper. For example, the problem might seem to be the way your spouse handled parenting your child, but the deeper problem might be that one of you is too inflexible or rigid in your parenting and could practice more “gray area” thinking instead of “black-and-white” thinking. ]
Lead with the goal
Hopefully the goal is mutual respect, cooperation, and care and concern for each other. This should be expressed as the intention before proceeding with discussion. Discussions (and arguments) often start when someone questions or criticizes someone’s judgement or actions. Instead, start with “I really care about (you, us, the kids, this house, your perspective, etc.). What do you need from me in order to feel like this is resolved the right way?” After getting their answer, say “Can I share with you what I need in order to feel like this is resolved the right way? Then we can determine how best to move forward.”
Utilize time outs
Don’t let arguments spiral out of control. As soon as emotions start to get heated, have a phrase that allows a pause on the conversation. Say something like “Let’s take a time out to give us each time to consider what we need to resolve this. We’ll reconvene (in one hour, tomorrow at 5:00, etc.).” Be sure to set a time to discuss it. A time out isn’t an opportunity to ignore the problem and hope it goes away.
Observe their behavior, change yours
It’s easy to focus on what your spouse could be doing differently. There’s a subconscious awareness that you are uncomfortable with what your spouse is saying or doing, and if you can get them to change, then you’ll feel more comfortable – so you try to get them to see that they could be doing things differently. It’s easier to fight for someone else to change than it is to accept the reality of what may happen if they don’t – disappointment, rejection, emotional distance, the loss of relationship. But you can’t turn someone into who you want them to be or who you think they should be just because it’ll be more comfortable for you. You have to observe who they are and then decide how you are going to behave as a result. This might mean that you have to face those undesirable results (rejection, the loss of relationship, etc.), but that’s where change for you comes in. You can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself.
Don’t get your identity from your spouse or other people
Fear of what others think of you may be a significant driving force behind your behavior. When you’re desperate for people to think well of you, you’ll do everything you can to not be viewed as the one at fault for problems in the relationship. You’ll try to prove yourself, you’ll apologize for things you don’t need to apologize for, you’ll try to convince your spouse that they are problem, and you’ll tolerate things that are intolerable – all so that people don’t think you’re the problem. But that’s exactly what’s keeping you stuck and making your relationship worse. If your spouse can blame you and keep you focused on trying to save face, then you won’t be holding your spouse accountable for anything. If you worry about how you will look to other people, then you’re allowing others to tell you who you are and you will spend your time trying to prove yourself to them. But others don’t have the authority to tell you who you are, so stop giving them that authority. You know who you are and you don’t have to prove that to anyone. When you get your identity from the wrong source, you make the wrong people your god. Instead, live your life from the love of God instead of for the love of others. If you have been born again by the Spirit of God, then you are already accepted, already forgiven, and already loved. You don’t have to prove yourself.
When you clear up issues with your own emotional and relational health, it will help you better discern how to navigate challenges in your relationship. And when you stop putting your hope in your situation changing, you will see that, all along….. Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
Wondering how to respond to something in a healthy way? Schedule a Breakthrough Session.
