How God Used Narcissists In The Bible (And Will Your Marriage To a Narcissist Last?)
Have you ever had this thought? “I really believe that my marriage is meant to be, because God wouldn’t lead me to get married only for it to end in divorce … would he??”
And so you keep believing and praying, knowing that God can do the impossible, and trusting that he will. After all, even though your spouse is quite difficult, you know some pretty serious sinners who have been saved (Saul/Paul being the most common example).
But will God save your marriage? Are you right that, because he led you to it that he’ll lead you through it?
Will God Do A Miracle In My Marriage?
First, keep in mind that God can do miracles and he can save anyone (even those with the hardest hearts), but just because he can, that doesn’t mean that he always does. [Read my article about why and when God does miracles in relationships]
And when it comes to your spouse’s salvation (is your spouse really a Christian?), God doesn’t force anyone to get saved. Salvation requires a willingness on a person’s part to surrender. Often, that willingness comes when a person realizes that they need God’s help to do what they cannot. When life humbles us, we surrender.
But not everyone gets humbled by life’s humiliating circumstances or by negative consequences (perhaps your spouse, for example). God has given your spouse free will, and God will not act in opposition to that free will. If he did, your spouse’s free will would no longer be free but, rather, he/she would be a slave to God’s will, and that’s not what God wants from your spouse. Choices that are not freely given and executed are not choices at all - they are compulsory acts. And God wants your spouse to freely choose - preferably to freely choose him, but your spouse has the freedom to choose against him, too.
Because of that free will, there are some people who will never choose to humble themselves for salvation (narcissists, for example). So God bears “with great patience the objects of his wrath… to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy” (Romans 9:22-23). In other words: Sometimes God uses the difficult people in our lives to show us how rich his love for us is. And sometimes that means that the things you thought God intended to be permanent don’t always turn out the way you thought.
Let’s take a look at some examples of that from Scripture.
Narcissists, Hard Hearts, and Unanticipated Endings
Pharaoh of Egypt
God allowed his people (during the time of Jacob and his 12 sons) to leave the promised land that they were in and go to the land of Egypt during a famine where God provided for them. With it’s lush pastures and great climate, it looked ideal, but God didn’t intend for them to stay there - that was not their promised land. He had promised them a land where they were free. And in the land that was not their own, they were not free.
They flourished for a while, but after some time, they started to groan due to the bondage they were under. God used Pharaoh to give them an experience of bondage so that, when he set them free, they would truly understand and appreciate their freedom. And they could use that experience as a reminder of how far God had brought them.
Maybe that is what it looks like for you, too. Maybe your spouse is your Pharaoh and the material things you have are your Egypt - but you are in bondage, you are not free. Maybe God has allowed this in your life in order that you would be able to understand what bondage really looks like so that God can set you free from it.
Pharaoh had a hard heart (and some narcissistic traits), and despite the prayers of the Israelites that Pharaoh would submit to God, he never did. Instead, he was used by God for a purpose - for the good of God’s people and for God’s glory. Romans 9: 22, 23 says “What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory?”
Not everyone is destined for salvation, and God knows who will not humble themselves under his mighty hand. He knows whose hearts will remain hard. And nothing is wasted with God. He uses even those whose hearts are hard for the good of his people and his glory.
Perhaps it would be helpful to think about your spouse that way. To recognize that he/she might have been used by God to set you free.
There are other examples in Scripture of people whom God bore with great patience although they were objects of his wrath in order to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy. Let’s look at three others:
Nabal, the husband of Abigail
In 1 Samuel 25, we read about Nabal. His wife, Abigail, knew that he was a “wicked man.” She had endured his wickedness for some time, but at just the right time, God used Nabal and his unkind actions toward King David to set Abigail free and place her into the arms of “a man after God’s own heart.” You can read my whole article about Abigail and Nabal here.
Saul, the first king of Israel
Saul was anointed as the first king of Israel, and you’d think it was God’s intention that he remain king, but it wasn’t. God later told Samuel that he rejected Saul as king and had chosen someone else (David).
The people of Israel had desperately wanted a king, and God knew that a king would only mean bondage for them, but they didn’t believe it, and insisted on their own way - so they got it.
Perhaps that’s what your relationship has felt like. You wanted to be married, and you saw some red flags early on but decided to pursue the relationship anyway - and God allowed it. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you find that you are questioning whether it was the right decision or not - you were doing what you thought best, and you were not outside of God’s will - it’s just not going the way you thought. But God is using it for your good and his glory.
More about Saul: At first, Saul appeared to be humble, stating that he was “a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel and from the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin.” He was even hiding at his coronation. But once installed, his position soon got the better of him, and he became jealous and murderous. He even sought to destroy the man who was more faithful to him than any other man: David, the next king of Israel. David spent years trying to avoid Saul’s wrath and, even when he had two chances to kill Saul, continued to show him honor as a servant of God. [Click here to read my article on honoring people who aren’t honorable]
Is that how you feel? That you have been faithful to your spouse, even when he didn’t deserve it. And although maybe he seemed like a good person at first, his true character eventually shone through.
Saul eventually was killed, setting David free from Saul’s terror and providing a stark contrast between the kind of king who makes people afraid and the kind of king who sets them free, even as David stood as a prefiguration of the King (Jesus) who would eventually truly set people free.
Judas, one of Jesus’ 12 apostles and his betrayer
If you have a spouse who claims to follow Jesus, keep Judas in mind. Although he may have looked like he fit in with the other 11 close followers of Jesus, God endured with patience this object of his wrath, too, in order to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy.
Judas was the “friend” who back-stabbed Jesus, leading the Romans to him, ultimately resulting in his death on a cross - the cross that meant freedom from bondage for us all.
If you feel betrayed by your spouse’s actions toward you … if you feel as though your spouse promised to love you but isn’t … know that Jesus felt that way, too - but God used that to ultimately set us free.
Will My Marriage End In Divorce?
The direction that we get from God in life is not always meant to be permanent. It may feel permanent at the time (and marriage was designed by God to be permanent - and a reflection of the Messiah’s relationship with His Church), but God knows that sin and evil can disrupt even the most well-intentioned plans. The good news is that nothing is wasted with God, and even what has been meant for evil can be used for good by God. [Read my article on divorce and the Bible]
Hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…
Need someone to talk to about what’s going on in your marriage? Schedule a Breakthrough Session and get some clarity and support.
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