If God Can't Change People, Why Do You Think You Can?

better marriagebehaviorboundarieshonestydivorce/separationrepentance

Jun 29

One theme that repeats itself over and over in my coaching practice is that people want their spouse to listen to them, to care about what they’re saying, and to change. They want to know what they can do to get through to their spouse. That’s what I do - I help people discover what they can do differently in hopes of eliciting change.

People seek change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Everyone who seeks answers for their struggles and their pain are seeking those answers because things have become too unacceptable, too painful to continue on as they are. We’re all looking for the answer to some version of this question: what will make me feel more comfortable?

I’ll feel more comfortable if my spouse doesn’t get angry with me
I’ll feel more comfortable if my spouse and I don’t argue as much
I’ll feel more comfortable if my spouse would do more to express their love
I’ll feel more comfortable if I’m not ignored
I’ll feel more comfortable if my spouse would understand where I’m coming from

Your subconscious question is: what can I do in order to feel more comfortable? The things you’ve tried so far haven’t worked: trying to communicate your thoughts to your spouse, perhaps trying to please them more or love them better, praying for them, being patient, tolerating their behavior so as not to escalate it, maybe even setting boundaries.

But sometimes, the one thing you’re not doing is accepting reality. You’re trying all these things to elicit change, but they are all in opposition to the reality that your spouse clearly has no interest in participating in the process of change. In order to do a reality check for yourself, you may have to ask:

If Jesus and his apostles couldn’t convince people to listen to them, receive their words, and change, then why do I think I can?

Jesus grew up with at least 6 brothers and sisters, and he couldn’t change their minds or convince them to believe that he was who he said he was. John 7:3-5 says they even taunted him, saying “‘No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world.’ For even his own brothers did not believe in him.”

The people whom Jesus grew up with in Nazareth, who knew him the most, also took offense at him, saying “‘Isn’t this the carpenter’s son? Isn’t his mother’s name Mary, and aren’t his brothers James, Joseph, Simon and Judas? Aren’t all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all these things?’ And they took offense at him. But Jesus said to them, ‘A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home’” (Matthew 13:55-57). And he “could not do any miracles” because of their lack of faith (Mark 6:5). There are some things that God cannot do simply because he doesn’t have our cooperation.

One of Jesus’ closest companions, Judas, betrayed him. Jesus knew what he was like and, even with all of Jesus’s teachings, Judas was not persuaded to align himself with Jesus. Jesus couldn’t change him.

When Paul was in Rome he couldn’t change people, even though he was a strong and convincing witness. “He witnessed to them from morning till evening, explaining about the kingdom of God, and from the Law of Moses and from the Prophets he tried to persuade them about Jesus. Some were convinced by what he said, but others would not believe” (Acts 28:23,24). And what did Paul do when he couldn’t make them believe? He let them walk away as he said to them: “The Holy Spirit spoke the truth to your ancestors when he said ‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.’ For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes.”

Not everyone changes

Not everyone changes, even when presented with the truth. Hebrews 10:26-29 says “If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.” Some people, even when they know the truth, do not submit to it and allow it to change them. Others, when they hear the truth, oppose it. In Galatians 4:16 Paul says “Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” The implied answer to that is “yes” - there are some people who do not want to hear the truth and, without re-orienting to the truth, they won’t change.

There are also some people who claim to know God but do not bear the fruits of the spirit. 2 Timothy 3:2-8 says that people like that are “always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected, having a form of godliness but denying its power - lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.” And Scripture tells us what to do: “Have nothing to do with such people.” Not everyone changes.

Trying to change someone is dishonoring

To some extent, trying to coerce, beg, or reason with your spouse to get them to change (when it’s clear that they don’t want to change) is outright disrespectful. Do you think you have some authority to tell someone that they aren’t doing what you think they should be doing (or what you think God thinks they should be doing)? Did you write the rules on how others should behave, or do you really think that you have the power to enforce those rules? Trying to get someone to follow your rules (or God’s rules) isn’t love, it’s control. It’s the sense that if they would just do things your way, then things would be better because you would feel better.

But they don’t want to do things your way. They have shown you time and time again (probably for years and years) that they don’t intend to change or put the effort into the relationship that you want them to. Trying to get them to change - and especially praying for God to change them - is like trying to cast a spell on them so that they become someone they aren’t, controlled by a spirit (who you are calling “God”) against their will. If they could change (and if they wanted to) they would. But God doesn’t control people against their will, so stop asking him to. Instead, ask God for the wisdom to know how to navigate your relationship even when your spouse won’t change.

Who can’t change?

Perhaps you don’t want to believe that people can’t change. Perhaps you cling to salvation stories in Scripture (click the link for examples) that seem to provide evidence that anyone can change. But God says in Jeremiah 13:23: “Can an Ethiopian change his skin or a leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil.”

When people have lived their lives a certain way (doing evil) and are unwilling to accept feedback that leads to change, then they are going to continue to live their lives as they always have. God calls these people “wicked,” giving a description of wicked people in Proverbs 2:12-15: their words are perverse, they have left the straight paths, they delight in doing wrong, and they rejoice in the perverseness of evil. Other descriptions include: deceitful, plotting against the righteous, trying to slay those who are upright, bringing suffering, angry, creating strife, oppressive, setting snares to trip you up, destructive, and violent.

Have you ever thought about whether your spouse would be considered wicked? Many Christians will tell you that “your spouse is not your enemy” but that isn’t always true. (Sometimes it is, and that’s when you have to do the work of change to be sure that you are acting with the utmost integrity and that you are emotionally healthy.) But sometimes your spouse is against you because they can only be for themselves. One way to know is to consider this from Proverbs 9:7: “Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse.” What is your spouse’s response when you correct them? Is it insults and abuse? Then they may fit the description of “wicked.”

Or consider this: “When grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil” (Isaiah 26:10). When you show grace, does your spouse learn to do what is right? Do they learn from your example? If not, they might be described as “wicked.”

Psalm 10:2 says “In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises.” Does your spouse have an arrogance, always having to be right, have the last word, or be dominant? And you’ve been caught by those schemes when you accommodate your spouse to keep the peace. Wickedness.

Proverbs 4:19 says “the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.” They could know if they would be open to hearing others’ perspective and feedback, but they don’t hear it and aren’t open to it.

When to stop praying for change

Daniel 12:10 says that, in the last days, “the wicked will continue to be wicked.” “So do not pray for this people nor offer any plea or petition for them; do not plead with me, for I will not listen to you” (Jeremiah 7:16).

Jeremiah 11:1-3,14 says: “Listen to the terms of this covenant and tell them to the people. Tell them that ‘Cursed is the one who does not obey the terms of this covenant’… Do not pray for this people or offer any plea or petition for them, because I will not listen.” When your spouse has broken their covenant to you (and consequently to God) - their promise to love, honor, and cherish - Scripture says do not pray for them, because God will not listen. You need to accept the reality that God accepts: that some people will not change. 2 Timothy 3:13 also says that “evildoers will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.” And they “will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed” (John 3:20).

1 John 5:16 says “If you see any brother or sister commit a sin that does not lead to death, you should pray and God will give them life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that you should pray about that.” The sin that leads to death is the sin that is not repented of because of a continual rejection of the conviction of the Holy Spirit. When your spouse continues in sin, they are unrepentant. At some point you can stop praying about that and accept that there is a consequence for their sin: “expel the wicked person from among you.”

What to do instead

Scripture makes it clear that we are not to continue to try to change people who have indicated through their words or actions that they are not interested in change. Instead, Scripture says that “those who would preserve their life stay far from them, for In the paths of the wicked are snares and pitfalls” ( Proverbs 22:5“). And “do not envy the wicked, do not desire their company” (Proverbs 24:1) because “like a muddied spring or a polluted well are the righteous who give way to the wicked” (Proverbs 25:26). But it can be hard to feel like you’re giving up on someone you love. God knows what that feels like - he faces that every second of every day. Just remember that it’s not so much that you’re giving up on them, it’s that you’re giving them up to God (who loves them more than you do). When you give them to God (and stop trying to play Savior and God in your efforts to get them to change), you find that you have to accept and adapt to the reality of the ways things are - you have to align yourself with how God created the natural laws of relationships. When you are afraid to give up hope or are afraid of what will happen if you align yourself with God’s instructions for how to handle the wicked, remember that when you stop trying to get your situation to change, your hope will not be found in your situation changing; it will be found in your situation…..