Those Bible Verses About Wives (They might not mean what you think)

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Written By Changing Us
 
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If you are a wife who desperately wants to please God and do right by your husband, you might find yourself going to all the Bible verses that talk about what wives should do and should not do and clinging to those verses as though they are the key to a happy marriage as you beg God to give you the strength to be that kind of wife. Here are a few of the verses you might think of:

So when you start to admit to yourself that your husband’s behavior is becoming unacceptable to you, you may have a lot of questions and concerns about how to apply those verses in the situation you find yourself in. So let’s search Scripture together for answers, looking to the whole counsel of God.

Am I dishonoring my husband by thinking that he is wrong (at best) and abusive (at worst)?

Wives are often led to believe that it would be dishonoring to your husband if you allow yourself to think of him as being wrong, inappropriate, or abusive.

Wives are indoctrinated (by their husbands and those in the church) to not to have “negative” thoughts about your husband, being told to think only about “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right…” (Phil 4: 8).

Wives then assume that what that means is that, if your husband displays bad character, you shouldn’t think about it like that, and you certainly shouldn’t talk to anyone about it. And, perhaps, you think about the “Proverbs 31 wife” whose husband is “respected at the city gates” - and you feel responsible to ensure that he gets that respect, which can lead lead to the thought that speaking the truth about his behavior is the equivalent of speaking badly about your husband, which will cause him to lose the respect of others.

To be clear, to slander your spouse with the intention of ruining their reputation or in a misguided attempt to make you look like the one who does what is right is speaking badly about them. Titus 2:3-5 tells wives to “be reverent in the way they live, not slanderers but kind and subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the word of God.” But speaking the truth in order to improve your relationship or to get guidance is not speaking badly, it’s speaking truth. And truth is what sets people free (John 8:32).

When you tell someone the truth about your spouse and their character, doing so “with seriousness and soundness of speech” (Titus 2:8), you are being reverent (i.e. respectful in that you aren’t dishonoring them but, rather, seeking help to do what is good for building them up [Eph 4:29] according to their need to treat you right). You are also being “subject to” (or “at the mercy of”) your spouse because your spouse has treated you a certain way and you are responding accordingly. Remember that you are not called to be more patient, loving, forgiving, or grace-filled than God is. And God does have limits to all of those things.

We can see the limits that God sets when we ask: “How did Jesus handle people treating him poorly?” and study Scripture for the answer. Jesus did not overlook reality or sweep it under the rug in order to speak well of people. He acknowledged the truth. And only in acknowledging the truth can you honor your husband with the chance to change his ways. In fact, within that Philippians 4:8 passage, it says “whatever is true… think about such things,” reminding us that we are, indeed, to think about and speak about what is true.

Let’s look at an example of a Bible wife who did what was right in talking about her husband’s behavior when he did what was wrong: Read my whole article about a Bible wife who does right when her husband does wrong.

Am I keeping a list of wrongs?

1 Corinthians 13:5 says that love does not keep a record of wrongs. This verse has been used as ammunition to prevent spouses from bringing up concerns about the other's behavior. And while we shouldn’t keep a record of wrongs selfishly to be used against someone to get our way or to use against them to harm them, it is not wrong to take note of patterns of behavior that reveal sin issues. In fact, the Bible says that if someone “wanders from the truth and someone should bring that person back, whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death” (James 5:20). And 1 John 3:9 says that “no one who is born of God will continue to sin.” 1 Corinthians 5:11,12 says “you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. Are you not to judge those inside [the Church]?”

It is necessary to take note of sin in order to handle it appropriately. If you choose to ignore sin, and especially patterns of sinful behavior, you are denying your spouse the opportunity to become aware of their sin and, by way of “failing to do the good you ought to do” (James 4:17), are “sharing in the sins of others” (1 Timothy 5:22).

[Read my article about how to know if your husband is a Christian]

Doesn’t my body belong to him?

1 Corinthians 7: 4 says that “the wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.” Many wives have taken this verse to mean that her body is not her own but that she must allow her husband to do with her body whatever he wishes.

But that is not what that verse is getting at - not at all!

Look at what Paul is addressing here: sexual immorality in the Corinthian church. There are so many people doing whatever they want whenever they want with whoever they want that Paul is telling them: stop doing that – you don’t have authority to do whatever you want with anyone you want to do it with – you must only give yourself to your husband!

See what a difference that is?! Paul isn’t saying you don’t have authority but your husband does or that your husband can do whatever he wants to you. No! He’s saying that you should give your body only to your husband.

It has everything to do with you not being sexually immoral.

And, notice that, just like with other passages about a wife’s responsibility in marriage, Paul also addresses husbands in the same way, saying that they don’t have the authority to do whatever they want, but that they must give their bodies only to their wives. [Read my whole article about sex in marriage here]

I know you want to honor God. You can do that by not allowing your husband (or others) to interpret Scripture for you in ways that get him what he wants but that leaves you hurting. Know the character of your Father who loves you, and know that He doesn’t want you to allow yourself to be hurt. (Read my article “Do You Always Have To Turn The Other Cheek?”) 2 Timothy 2: 15 urges you to correctly handle the word of truth. 

I don’t want to be a rebellious wife

A rebellious wife. Sometimes wives are accused of this when they start to think for themselves, have an opinion that is different from their husband’s, and assert some authority over themselves instead of letting their husband have all authority over them. The accusation of being rebellious is a way of trying to get wives back in line and obedient to a husband’s (selfish) will.

But when your husband’s will for you is not in line with God’s will, you have to obey God rather than man (Acts 4:19). And God’s will for you is:

  • that you are free and not a slave (Gal 4:9)

  • that you speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)

  • that there be no fear in love (1 John 4:18)

  • that love does no harm (Romans 13:10)

  • that you be protected (1 Cor 13:7)

  • that you be provided for (1 Tim 5:8)

  • that you be treated with consideration and respect (1 Peter 3:7)

  • and that you not be treated harshly (Col 3:19)

Rather than your behavior being rebellious, it may be, in fact, in line with what God wants, even if it isn’t what your husband wants.

Ephesians 5:33 “a wife MUST respect her husband”?

Oh so many passages that are wielded as misused weapons against the daughters of God! [Read my article on books like Love & Respect and where they fail]

The command to respect is not a bad thing except that the definition of respect has become: say only positive things, affirm the good things he does, don’t say anything negative, do nice things for him regardless of how he treats you, default to his preferences, obey him, and don’t disagree with him.

What a twisted definition of respect!

You cannot make your marriage better or inspire your husband to treat you with love by being kind to him when he is consistently unkind to you.

“But” you might say “the Bible says that ‘kindness leads you toward repentance’ (Romans 2:4).” Yes, it does say that. Let’s take a look at that verse.

Romans 2:4 is not telling you to protect your husband from the consequences of his actions (by tolerating his sin) so that he repents. Rather, it’s telling your husband (those who continue in sin as though they will not be judged) that, if he continues in sin, judgement is coming.

That verse is intended to make your husband aware that God’s kindness, tolerance, and patience in withholding condemnation is intended to give him a chance to repent.

Now what will happen if you protect your husband from the consequences of his sin rather than letting him experience the consequences? What if you tell him only positive things about himself? (Essentially, you lie to him.) Is that kindness? Not at all! It is cruelty. It is going to deprive him of the awareness that he needs to repent and will lead to his judgement and condemnation! If you are only all positive toward him, he will think he’s doing just fine. In order for him to be aware of your kindness and God’s, he has to know that he is headed for judgment unless he repents.

Let’s discover an accurate definition of respect by looking at how God respects us. If we choose to do something wrong, God does not make excuses for us, rescue us from the consequences of our actions, or try to control us so that we don’t choose that again.

Let’s say, for example, that someone drinks alcohol and gets drunk. God does not say “You made that choice because you had a bad day. I should have been kinder to you so that your day wasn’t so bad. I don’t want you to hurt, so I’m going to make sure you don’t get a hangover.”

What would happen if God did that? You would learn that you could have the pleasure of doing something wrong without experiencing the consequences of it – and you’d be more likely to do it again.

But God doesn’t do that, obviously. He respects our decision to get drunk and experience the consequences that go with it. Respect isn’t rescuing someone from their wrong behavior or the consequences of it. Nor is it trying to control it by being kinder or more helpful or more affirming.

Respect also isn’t allowing someone to hurt you. Let’s say, for example, that you get angry with God, curse him, and continually turn away from him. God does not remain close to you, showing you favor and blessing your life for his glory. The consequences of attempting to hurt God are that you are no longer close to Him.

We can follow God’s example of respect: giving someone the freedom to choose with the understanding that, with that choice, comes a consequence. 

That is what respect looks like.

freedom and respect in the bible for wives

1. Respect is allowing someone the freedom to be who they are while at the same time respecting yourself (and protecting your boundaries as needed). Giving someone freedom doesn't mean giving up yours. This is the kind of freedom that God gives us - we can do whatever we want, but that doesn’t mean that we stay in close relationship with God through it all.

2. You can disagree respectfully – it isn’t disrespectful to disagree. Iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27: 17) by clashing together.

3. Respect means only controlling what you can control: your decisions. You can’t control his – and it’s disrespectful to try. You can let him make his choices, but you don’t have to suffer at his hands for those choices – and neither do your children. You have control over what happens to you. Protect yourself. (See the example of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 or read my article about her here.)

4. God doesn’t tell wives how to behave without addressing husbands, too (Ephesians 5: 25-27). In this Ephesians passage, it is clear that husbands are to love their wives. Don’t think that your husband can demand respect at the expense of you forfeiting the command for him to love you.

Additionally, it’s important to point out that unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is something that we should all have for others - but know that there may be a difference between the “respect” that your husband demands (obedience, submission, etc.) and the “respect” that the Bible commands (treating someone humanely even when they don’t deserve it). For clarification, my article about What Is Respect (Hint: you’re not doing it).

Philippians 2:3,4 “in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others”?

You may be accused (by people who do not understand the dynamics of destructive relationships) of acting in your own interest as you implement increasingly painful consequences for your spouse’s continued boundary violations. They may say that you’re giving up on the relationship simply because you aren’t happy and that you’re valuing yourself over your spouse.

Far far far from the truth! Those painful consequences are just as painful for you to implement as they are to be on the receiving end of because, if you were acting in your own interest, your goal would likely be to do everything you could (including subject yourself to abuse) in order to not lose your spouse.

The truth is that the boundaries and their consequences are the most loving thing and the hardest thing you may ever have to do because it is truly giving up what you want (a good marriage) in order for your spouse to have a chance for the life they want (however that looks to them).

When done right, consequences (even to the extent that they lead to separation) can be the most loving thing you ever do as you look to the best interest of your spouse. It’s a giving up of all your hopes and dreams so that you can do what is best for them. (Read my article on how to “Do The Natural and Leave The Super Up To God” to learn how to know what is best.)

The Proverbs 31 Wife

The “wife of noble character” in Proverbs 31 is held up as the standard of biblical wifeliness, and many wives have a preconceived notion that she is obedient to her husband, always pleasant, a stay-at-home homemaker, and that she does whatever it takes to make her husband and family look good. But just a brief look at the Bible passage paints a completely different picture - one that sets women free from the need to strive to be perfect for her husband and family. Let’s take a look, verse by verse in this article on the Proverbs 31 wife.

1 Peter 3 (submission, purity, reverence, obedience)

1 Peter 3:1-6 in the NIV says “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty… should be the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”

Women often take this verse in isolation without looking at the greater context that it is in – and that narrow view can keep you in bondage to feelings of failure and constant striving to do what you might think is submitting. Let’s take a complete look at the context here.

First, Peter is writing to explain how Christians should live among the Gentiles so that, even when the Gentiles accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God (1 Peter 2:12). What good deeds? Without the greater context of chapter 2, it’s easy to conclude in chapter 3 that the “good deeds” are obedience and submission. But chapter 2 goes on to use Jesus as an example of good deeds and respect:

  • speaking the truth (1 Peter 2:22)

  • doing so without anger, threats, or retaliation (1 Peter 2:23)

And the passage continues on to tell wives that “in the same way” (with the same good deeds of truth without anger/threats/retaliation) they should submit to their husbands (1 Peter 3:1) and then tells husbands that they “in the same way” (with the same good deeds of truth without anger/threats/retaliation) should be considerate and respectful of their wives (1 Peter 3:7).

We can further know that the good deeds that Peter speaks of are in reference to speaking the truth without anger or retaliation (and not in reference to being blindly obedient, silent, and subservient) because, if the good deeds were what many people think of as good Christian deeds (i.e. “be nice to everyone all the time”) there would be no malicious talk or accusations about the Christians as referenced there. People don't get upset when someone is nice to them, they get upset when someone tells them truth that they don't want to hear. As Paul said “have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” (Galatians 4:16). And the answer to that is “yes” - and the implication is that you should tell the truth even if you make enemies because of it. And this applies to wives as well - it’s part of the good behavior of wives.

Wives are also told in this passage to submit to their husbands so that their husbands may be “won over” without words by the purity and reverence of their lives (1 Peter 3:1,2). People are not “won over” to Christ by being told they are not sinners. We need to acknowledge our sin to come to Christ. Winning your husband over without words can mean setting boundaries on unacceptable behavior in hopes that he will recognize his sin.

In submitting to your husband, you put your mission under his (sub/under-mission) and give him the freedom to pursue his mission. Your mission might be for your husbands to treat you well (and, thus, you may  sometimes use too many words to try to convince him), but your husband’s mission might be to get his way. You can submit to your husband by giving him the freedom to pursue his mission while setting boundaries (without words, if necessary) to protect yourself from the fall-out of his misguided behavior.

These actions without words could bring to light his sin and win him over without words. Not allowing someone to experience the natural consequences of their behavior takes away their opportunity to learn and change.

And the purity and reverence of your life is that you will not allow yourself to be polluted by sin but, rather, that you treat your life with the reverence that God intended for you.

Finally, let’s take a look at the context in which Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him her “lord.” Abraham had told her to bend the truth and, rather than saying she's his husband, she should tell the people whose land they enter that she is his sister. (This was a half-truth, because she really was his sister: Genesis 20:12.) She obeyed him, but we don’t know her reasoning for it, so we can’t assume that it’s a statement to obey our husbands even in their sin. In fact, God tells us not to have anything to do with the deeds of darkness but rather expose them (Ephesians 5:11) and not to participate in sin because we become slaves to what we obey (Romans 6:16). So this isn’t a command to obey without question. It’s an example of how when we do what we believe is right and “do not give way to fear,” God works for our good and his glory. It doesn’t mean that whatever your husband says is what goes.

Additionally, we know that Abraham didn’t always "wear the pants” because in Genesis 16, Sarah told him to go sleep with her maidservant so that he impregnates her… and Abraham listens to her! Sarah was also abusive at times, particularly when she abused her maidservant, causing her to flee.

The point is that these are flawed human beings, like we are, and the examples that they set are not to be taken in isolation of other passages. They are to remind us that, when we do our best to follow God and put our hope in him, God uses that as part of His story.

The repetition from 1 Peter 2 -3 of “do good” and “do what is right” reveals his point: that quarreling and anger do not achieve the righteous life that God desires (James 1:20). Therefore, those with a gentle and quiet spirit in sub-mission to their husbands while doing what is good (clinging to the truth without retaliation or anger) and not giving way to fear (doing what is right without being afraid of how he might respond) may be able to win their husbands over without a word.

So, rather than this being a passage that holds wives captive to the will of their husbands, this is a passage that is intended to guide wives to the freedom that comes from doing good and living pure and reverent lives.

Have questions about what’s Biblical in your marriage?

Here’s what others are saying: “It’s amazing to me that I’ve been feeling this [confusion, tension] for decades and talking about it and nothing has helped. But in just weeks you’ve unlocked this awareness for me. Blows my mind.”

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