From Brokenness to Wholeness: One Woman’s Journey of Healing
From Brokenness to Wholeness: My Journey of Healing
by Coach Jen
Have you ever gone through something so painful that you thought you were going to die and didn’t know if you’d survive it, but in the end, it became the very thing that empowered you and empowered you to help others?
That’s my story.
Through my journey of healing from psychological abuse and trauma, I came to a profound realization that my healing wasn’t just about me. God led me to not only survive and thrive, but to help others like my daughter so that she won’t go through what I went through, for my future generation so that they know no matter what they go through, healing is possible, and for women everywhere, even the strong ones, to know that healing is possible and no woman has to do it alone. God has shown me that my pain had a purpose.
A Life That Looked Perfect
From the outside, my life looked like a dream. I had an MBA, a Master’s in teaching, a tutoring business, a home built from the ground up in the suburbs, and two Ivy League-educated children. My faith was the center of my life, and my then-husband and I served as Deacon and Deaconess, leading our church’s marriage ministry.
I thought I had it all until July 26, 2023.
Behind the picture-perfect image was a reality I didn’t see: I was married to a man with covert narcissistic traits. For 24 years, I endured emotional abuse, financial abuse, and sexual betrayal, yet I didn’t even realize it.
I carried the weight of our family, felt unloved and alone in my marriage, and told myself that my husband’s forgetfulness and failures were symptoms of his ADD. I would do anything to help him, fill in the gaps, and keep our family stable. But in truth, his covert manipulation, lies, and deception kept me trapped in a cycle of confusion and pain.
The Truth Revealed
In July 2023, I learned the reason for my confusion. The truth of my then-husband’s double life of acting out with paid sex workers at massage parlors and street prostitutes. I learned that although we were married for 24 years, I didn’t know him at all.
My life collapsed. I was devastated, in complete trauma, and utterly broken. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like my brain had left my body, like I was in a fog. It was as if I had been hit by a tractor-trailer and left on life support, barely alive.
But God gave me the strength to leave that unhealthy marriage, which changed my whole life.
By March 2024, my divorce was finalized. While the chapter of my marriage had ended, the real work-the work of healing—had only just begun.
Recognizing Covert Abuse
For years, I didn’t recognize that I was being abused, not in the ways we typically imagine; He wasn’t hitting me or cursing me out or screaming at me, it was happening through covert manipulation and psychological abuse.
His forgetfulness? That wasn’t just ADD. It was his passive-aggressive way of punishing me.
His incompetence? He weaponized his ADD. He used it as an excuse for why he constantly fell short. He took as much as he could while giving as little as possible, just draining me. Only giving me breadcrumbs.
Boundary breaking? He constantly spent money that we didn’t have, even with our budgetary agreements. He left me to figure out how to cover his overspending.
Emotional control? He built such a convincing story that I never even considered he could be unfaithful or emotionally abusive or manipulative. I would have put my hand on the Bible that he was faithful and was a good guy, just plagued with ADD.
And gaslighting? It was his way of shifting the blame. When I said I felt unloved or disconnected, he made me believe I was the problem. He would say, “I’m always home. I don’t go out. So I don’t understand what the problem is,” knowing all the while he was living a double life, and that was the reason I felt something was off in the relationship.
I stayed in a state of confusion. I was thinking we had resolved issues, and I found myself right back in the same cycle, questioning myself instead of him. That’s what covert abuse does—it keeps you trapped in doubt, making you fight the invisible. It was hard to see, but after I did my research and became an observer, I stopped listening to his empty words and began watching his actions.
He built a convincing story: the “Man of God,” the “Good Guy,” the “faithful husband with ADD.” I trusted the image he created more than the reality I was living.
But God led me to research, observe, and uncover the truth. And in that process, I learned three key lessons:
Confusion is not a misunderstanding—it’s a tactic. If I can’t find clarity, I’m not in a conversation; I’m in a trap.
Trust your intuition. I knew something was off. That wasn’t paranoia—that was discernment. That was the Holy Spirit talking.
Surrender everything to God. When I let go of trying to fix the relationship, fix me, fix my then-husband, and truly placed things in God’s hands and asked him to reveal the source of our issues. The truth was revealed, and the truth became undeniable.
Surrendering to God
There was a time when I believed that if I prayed harder, served more, and kept the peace, I would be safe. That was what I had been taught. But abuse didn’t stop just because I worked harder, and truth didn’t stay buried just because I was quiet.
When everything fell apart—the betrayal, the loss of my 28-year church family because some couldn’t understand the magnitude of what my ex-husband did, the brokenness—I had no choice but to surrender. And it was in surrender that I finally won the battle.
I remember being on my hands and knees, crying out, asking God, “Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?” In His faithfulness, God met me in my pain. He gave me a new heart where mine was shattered.
Choosing Healing
Healing was not easy. There were days I went through brutal withdrawal from the man I thought he was. Days I questioned my decision. Days I wondered if I’d ever feel whole again. But instead of letting the pain consume me, I disciplined myself to heal through:
Therapy, sessions with Abigail (the founder of Changing Us), and 12-step programs
Accountability partners and a sponsor
Prayer, Bible reading, and worship
Self-care and intentional rest
I leaned on my grown children who inspired me to keep going. I leaned on friends who prayed for me. And I leaned on my purpose partner, Coach Tara, who co-authored the book Healing Unseen Wounds with me.
From Pain to Purpose
Today, I stand not as someone who has it all figured out, but as someone who has chosen to take her pain and turn it into power. That’s why I wrote Married to a Lie and co-wrote Healing Unseen Wounds—to make women aware of covert abuse, give women a voice, a roadmap, and a reminder that healing is possible.
If you feel stuck, broken, or unsure of how to move forward, I want you to know: God can take you from brokenness to wholeness. You can reclaim your life. You can break generational cycles. And you do not have to do it alone.
On the other side of your pain is your power!
Coach Jen is the author of Married to a Lie and co-author of Healing Unseen Wounds. Through her experience, she helps women expose covert abuse, heal deeply, and walk in freedom through Christ. She can be reached at: Healingunseenwounds@gmail.com, marriedtoalie@gmail.com, www.healingunseenwounds.com
If you want to experience a transformation from pain and confusion to clarity and healing, schedule a Breakthrough Session below.
