How Addiction Is Affecting Your Relationship (And You Don’t Even Know)
When you live with someone whose addictive behavior doesn’t seem to get in the way all of the time, it’s easy to overlook the impact that their addiction may be having on the relationship. It might be something you’re used to your spouse doing, so it’s annoying when they indulge, but you just wait for it to blow over. Perhaps they play too many videogames or gamble, or their drinking gets out of hand at times, or they use marijuana, or they’re viewing porn. But it’s not your main concern in the relationship because it’s just not enough to be constantly in the way of your efforts to have a good relationship. And while it might seem tolerable for you most of the time, the impact it’s having could be much more than you realize.
Addiction changes the brain - it affects neural pathways involved in motivation, emotional regulation, and problem-solving. This is why the Bible speaks of the importance of having a sober mind (“be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray” 1Peter 4:7) and warns of the negative aspects of addictive substances like alcohol (“wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise” Proverbs 20:1 and Proverbs 23:29-25 says “Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine”). Hijacking the brain, addiction makes a behavior or drug the main focus and motivation of a person’s life: it comes before you, it comes before the kids, it comes before work performance, and it comes before God. When someone’s days are spent looking forward to the next time they can escape into their addiction, all other things in life - even the things they do in between indulging in their addiction (those times when the addiction doesn’t seem like the problem to you) - become the background noise to what they’re really after.
It’s no wonder, then, that when you are married to someone with an addiction, you find yourself frustrated by their lack of real effort to put the marriage first. You find yourself exasperated with why they don’t follow through on what they say they’ll do, why they seem to shut down or have angry outbursts, or why they aren’t doing all the things that responsible adults do. Well, it’s because their brain has been hijacked and they really only want one thing - everything else in life is just an annoying requirement in order to be able to get to what they really want.
What are the signs of an addiction?
When someone has an addiction, you might notice things like:
They seem disengaged
They isolate
They don’t remember conversations or things that happened
Their interactions aren’t like other mature adult interactions
They act like they’re hiding something
They have mood swings or personality changes (e.g. suddenly crying or flying into a rage)
There are empty beer cans or liquor bottles
You find alcohol bottles in unusual places
You run across drug paraphernalia
They have a second phone or device (computer, iPad) used for online activities
They’re up at odd hours of the night or go to bed much later than you do
They demand things from you that don’t feel reasonable to you (money, sex, cooperation, etc)
Their health seems to be declining (e.g. stomach upset, heart and blood pressure problems, headaches, fatigue, frequent illness, sleep problems, weight issues, paranoia, pain, etc.)
They aren’t fulfilling responsibilities at home or work
And if you call them out on it, they get upset
You might be thinking: “I don’t think they’re like that because of what they’re indulging in - I think they’ve always been like that.” They may have always been like that, but you’re frustration or disillusionment with them now may be an indication that it actually has always been impacting them and it’s first now bothering you. Just because someone has always been a certain way doesn’t mean it’s normal for them or that they’re doing OK. There’s no such thing as a “functioning alcoholic” or addict. Because, you see, when someone has an addiction, they are spending their time either indulging in their addiction, longing to indulge in their addiction, or recovering from having indulged in their addiction. It’s always on their mind - and a person can’t function in all areas of life when they have one thing on their mind.
Is addiction a choice?
Addiction is not a choice - it’s a disease. A person's choices may have led to the addiction (e.g. choosing to drink, choosing to play video games, choosing to look at porn), but once addicted, it’s no longer about managing their choices - managing their choices doesn’t make the addiction go away - it doesn’t stop what they think about and desire and crave. Once someone is addicted, the disease has changed their brain and now it’s not about managing choices, it’s about managing their desires, urges, and cravings. They do have to stop choosing to indulge in their addiction, but that can be the easy part for many. The hard part is healing their brain so that they no longer want to indulge in their addiction - otherwise they’ll go back to it. That requires more than just quitting - it involves getting treatment as you would for any other disease (like heart disease or diabetes or cancer). But the treatment, while it may involve medication to help manage the symptoms, consists mainly of rewiring the brain (learning to think differently) so that the person acts differently. That’s what recovery from an addiction involves.
How might you be able to get your spouse to quit and recover?
Believe that they have a problem
The first thing is that you have to really grasp the seriousness of the addiction and the changes that it’s creating in your spouse’s brain that make them unable to connect with you in a healthy way. Without this understanding, you are going to have a hard time following through on any concerns you express to them or boundaries that you set. You have to believe in the need for change before change can happen.
Learn about addiction
Learn as much as you can about their addiction so that you understand how it’s affecting them and you. Once you have the knowledge about the addiction, you can address it intelligibly. You’ll want to avoid addressing it with emotion or ignorance.
Communicate concerns and expectations
Share with them what you’ve learned about their addiction, your concerns about how it’s affecting them and you, and what you’d like to see the outcome be. Be clear about your expectations, and know that promises to try to quit, cut back, or get better are not enough. You need complete abstinence (unless the addiction is food, then there needs to be a different plan, because food is the only addiction with a real need to continue to use). You also need them to have a recovery plan that will yield different thinking - actual recovery, not just abstinence.
Set boundaries
Be prepared to have to set boundaries. Addictive behavior is not easy to let go of. A person’s brain doesn’t want that flood of dopamine (the “feel good” neurotransmitter produced by an addiction) to stop. And if it does stop, there are all kinds of side effects that can be so intolerable that a person goes back to indulging. You have to be ready to make it clear that going back into the addiction will not be tolerated, and there will be consequences.
Know your limits
You can’t force a person to change. Once you have communicated your concerns and expectations, your boundaries are designed to back up what you have said, not to get them to change. If you keep telling them the same things over and over and expecting different results, you’re not being realistic. Once they show you who they are and whether they are willing to do the work of recovery, believe their actions, not their words. [Read more about that in my article about how long to wait and hold out hope for change]
Get support
You will need support from someone who understands addiction in order to navigate this difficult situation. Do not try to go through it alone. You will wear yourself out.
What if it’s you who has an addiction?
It is not uncommon for someone who is dealing with a difficult spouse to be managing that challenge with an addiction themselves. Over-eating, drinking, marijuana use, shopping, binge-watching TV, seeking love, and sex are some of the most common ways that people with a difficult spouse attempt to find some sense of escape or control over what is happening.
If you find that you are engaging in addictive behaviors, you will not be able to successfully manage the challenges of your relationship no matter how much help you get from marriage counselors, pastors, books, videos, articles, or the like. You need to have emotional health yourself before you can expect a healthy relationship. So if you’ve been wondering why you aren’t doing well, consider whether you’re doing something that isn’t good for you.
When you engage in an addiction, it prevents you from doing what is effective in navigating the challenges of a difficult relationship. It prevents you from truly embracing a reliance on God. It prevents you from being able to follow through on boundaries. And if prevents you from being present enough to actually address what needs to be addressed. Why? Because an addiction provides quick and easy relief for uncomfortable feelings, an easy escape from uncomfortable situations, or a sense of control that simply puts a mask over the real solution.
You have to be strong and courageous and face your addiction head on. That means abstinence and a treatment plan that involves learning what to do instead when you want to engage in your addiction. It means managing your urges and desires to indulge and finding healthier ways to cope and navigate your relationship. It’s not easy, but it’s the only way to get to a place in your own heart and mind where you will be able to effectively tackle your relationship challenges.
You might think that all that needs to happen for things to get better is for your situation to change by making the addiction go away, but when you go about it the right way, you’ll find that… hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation…..
Want to know what to do while you’re waiting? Schedule a Breakthrough Session.
