Divorce and Legalism
The unrelenting stand that some people take against divorce demonstrates the legalism that so many people in the church are bound up in. Those who are advising believers to not get divorced (believers who have legitimately tried so hard to make their marriage work) are missing the heart of God for his people. While God exhorts us to guard our hearts (from whatever can damage them) for from our hearts flow the wellsprings of life, so many pastors and mentors and even Christian counselors are telling people that God cares more about them avoiding divorce than he does about the damage being done to their hearts. Many even go so far as to tout the idea that divorce is a sin. But divorce is not a sin. Not only is it not listed in any of the lists of sins found in Scripture, nor is it anywhere referred to as a sin, but God himself divorced his people (see Jeremiah 3), and we know that God does not sin.
Legalism
The legalistic view on divorce is holding people captive in relationships where they’re being compelled to make their spouse their idol of worship (because of the pressures of these tactics) and where they’re being told to tolerate sin, or worse: that the sin is their fault because they aren’t being good enough, respectful enough, submissive enough, or giving enough sex.
Perhaps people who take that kind of stand against divorce don’t realize that those who are considering divorce are often those who are most adverse to it. They are believers who love their spouse and have tried harder than most people would ever be able to try in order to make the marriage one of peace and unity. And divorce is the last thing they’d ever want, but it’s the only option left for them to be able to guard their heart.
As an example to demonstrate that divorce is not taken lightly by those who have found themselves in a place they never thought they would be in their marriage, here is a heart-wrenching response to divorce from the broken heart of a wife who tried so hard to make her marriage work but, in the end, had to choose between her heart and her husband (names and dates have been changed to protect anonymity):
Obituary of a Marriage
Our divorce announcement was in the paper this weekend alongside all the others whose marriages have ended. Just a list of names of people whose lives have been torn apart. Just a list, as though their divorce is as inconsequential as the list of ads in the classified section.
But perhaps divorce announcements should read more like obituaries. Here's what mine might say:
The marriage of Joe and Jane was laid to rest on December 11 after 22 years of fighting for its life. It began, unhealthy from the start, in February 1996 and, following years of the husband's infidelities that almost killed it in 2007, it was presented with a possible cure (thanks to our local church and Jesus Christ) before going briefly into remission.
But the disease that led to the infidelities resurfaced within a few months with new symptoms, akin to a slow-growing tumor, until a separation became necessary in an attempt to save its life.
But there was no effective treatment and, despite numerous interventions, it never recovered.
It leaves behind a trail of brokenness and heartache, survived by the wife and three children (one in serious but stable condition). The husband remains in critical condition with no signs of improvement. Extended family suffered loss as well.
There will be no memorial service - just a line of disapproving onlookers coming to pay their disrespect.
In lieu of flowers, loved ones can give the gift of emotional health to their own relationships in honor of preventing another tragedy like this one.
There are many people (especially in the church) who misunderstand the reasons that couples get divorced, especially when the divorce happens to Christians who want to be in the will of God. Many assume that all divorce stems from someone wanting to be “happy” or “falling out of love” or being “unwilling to work it out,” and in making those assumptions, they underestimate the potential of a spouse to be evil and unable to change, making a relationship impossible.
There are, no doubt, people who divorce for reasons of wanting to be happy or not being in love anymore or not being willing to put in the work. But for others - especially for those within the church who seek divorce - it is rare that it is about wanting to be happy or about giving up because it’s easier than working it out. Rather, it is about needing to escape evil.
Church leaders and mentors should not be telling people who have been set free by Christ that they must remain in bondage to an evil spouse. They say things like “God hates divorce” or that marriage is not supposed to make you happy, it’s supposed to make you holy - as though holiness comes through voluntary suffering. This is not what God intended.
The Other Side of Legalism
Contrary to the misunderstandings of those who believe that Christians who want a divorce are being flippant about it, the Christians I work with through my coaching are desperately trying (or have tried) to make their marriage work, and it’s devastating to them when they find that they can no longer survive within the marriage - and that they have already been dismissed/divorced by their spouse and the covenant has been broken.
Often, the spouses who find themselves in this position are the people on the other end of the legalism spectrum. They are not trying to be legalistic themselves but, rather, are trying to honor those who are (and trying to legalistically honor God). They want to please and appease those who advise them, and so they themselves become terrified of doing the wrong thing.
What they end up doing is trying so hard to earn the love of God (which others have made them fear losing) that they’re not living FROM the love of God, but rather FOR his love. They are trying to do all the right things, hoping that God will look with favor upon them and love them when, really, the right thing to do is to understand that God loves them and cares for them and has put them in charge of stewarding their lives and their hearts well - and he doesn’t want them to tolerate being sinned against if they have any say in the matter.
Grounds for Divorce
Many believers who are considering divorce but think they don’t have grounds for divorce are trying to avoid the big “sin” of divorce while allowing themselves to be sinned against daily. It’s as though they are putting those two things on a scale or balance, trying to weigh what’s worse: divorce or being sinned against - and they always land on “divorce is worse.” God doesn’t do that - he doesn’t make divorce a big sin while shrugging at all the other sins that are being committed against you as though he requires you to tolerate those sins for the sake of not committing the “big” sin of divorce.
God’s plan is not for people to avoid divorce - his plan is for us to live free of sin. God isn’t winking at the sins that are being committed against you and asking you to just tolerate them in order to avoid divorce. If that’s what you think is happening, and you are trying desperately to avoid the big sin of divorce because you don’t think you have grounds for it, you are living FOR the love of God instead of FROM the love of God. When you know that God loves you, you live as though you’re loved - you don’t live as though you’re trying to earn love. You make decisions based on the fact that God loves and cares for you and wants you to live in peace and safety and free from sin. You don’t live in a desperate attempt to avoid letting God down or incurring his wrath.
God isn’t a God of rules that he wants us to legalistically follow as though that will save us. In fact, he said that “no one is justified by keeping the law” (Galatians 2:16). That is why he sent Jesus to show us how much he loves us and to guide us into the truth. He is a God who cares about us and died in our place so that we could be free to live by his Spirit, not by a set of rules. “Do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” (Galatians 2:21).
“What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness” (Romans 6:15-18).
And what does it mean to be righteous? It means to do what is right in accordance with the Spirit of truth. Not “right” according to the letter of the law but according to the spirit of the law. Jesus accused the teachers of the law and Pharisees of holding to the letter of the law while neglecting the spirit of the law: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness” (Matthew 23:23). What God wants is for us to act rightly according to the Spirit of the law - that which is in accordance with the heart of God and the truth of God. “By dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit” (Romans 7). [You can expand your perspective about what is right by reading the rest of my blog, or you can start with this article that reflects on Philippians 4:8 which says “whatever is right…”]
When we allow ourselves to be bound again by a yoke of slavery to the law (Galatians 5), we are not living in the freedom for which Christ died for us. So, throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance the race marked out for you, fixing your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. And when you stop trying to control outcomes (like trying to save your marriage) by living according to the letter of the law, you will start to see that……
hope isn’t found in our situation changing; it’s found in our situation….
Healing is possible. If you are considering divorce, I trust that it is not because it is the convenient thing for you to do. I trust that you aren’t considering it because you are selfish or even because it’s what you want. Rather, it’s because you don’t know if you can take any more sin (conflict, discord, rage, greed, malice, perhaps even infidelity). If this is the cry of your heart as you face a decision about what to do about your marriage, let Abigail walk with you through the process. There is life on the other side of the brokenness. Schedule a Breakthrough Session.
